Everybody else is doing it, but why can't I do it differently?

Today WL is 1 week old. With dajie's survival tip (not to buy formula in the first place ), I have managed to breastfeed her exclusively.( Except for that few times when she was  under photo -therapy.)

However, she still got jaundice and my mil will visit us everyday and repeat the story of giving her supplement. Yes, I do know that almost everyone do supplement, but doesn't mean that I have to.

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First Christmas with baby at hospital

I am now lying on the hospital bed, waiting for the feeding time. Baby had high jaundice level and is not allowed to go home. Spending Christmas in hospital is not something i have expected, especially this is the 1St Christmas with baby. Last night we countdown while feeding baby at the breastfeeding room. Luckily baby got hungry in the day and feeding time changed such that the precious half hr we can visit baby to feed her coincide with the 'countdown. we had a cosy time singing our favorites Christmas songs to her while encouraging her to stay awake to drink more milk. Xl say he saw the change in me. He say I am extremely patient with baby and can do anything for her. I was surprise myself too, how I survived a day alone with her on the second day at hospital plus coping with the visitors, and how I cried uncontrollably when I saw the goggles mark on her face the first time I feed her after she was taken away for her photo-therapy. Honestly I am still not used to the idea that I am already a mother. I guess it is instinct that made me do all I did last few days. Sometimes when friends and family commented baby is very cute, I wonder why I do not felt the same way. I am just focused on fulfilling her needs, instead of her looks. the feeling I have for her is so different from the love I have for anyone. It's so natural, attached and unique, like she is a part of me yet a separate individual. I wonder if I am going to be a good mother, and will she grow up to be a fine lady and have a good life? This seems to be a long journey, I pray that everything will be fine and we can go home today.

38 weeks

It's officially 38 weeks!

I am now on my way to the regular gynae visit.

"Why are you still here at office?"
"Are you excited?"

These are the two most common questions I have to answer these few days.

I am not in labor, I have to walk around more often than just resting at home, I have work to do, it is safer to be in office with people around than to be at home alone, Office is nearer to KK than bedok... are all the answers I have for the 1st question. The truth is, i really don't know what else i can do, should do besides go office and finish my paperwork...

I am ok, in fact feeling much better this week, a bit in holiday mood. I feel more energetic, although still feel tired at the end of the day. i feel more calm and relaxed than excited. sometimes i may feel scared, worried about the delivery pain, and wonder if i can cope well after baby is born. but these feelings usually come and go, most of the time, I'd just feel normal. I will try to mentally prepare myself for the delivery, try to read more about taking care of babies when I have nothing else to do. I have even better appetite now, and i am indulging myself with all the nice food I like.

Every child is a gift

I just met a distant relative and had a small chat with her. She proudly showed me her autistic younger son's "kindergarten" graduation day photos. Her face beamed with joy while describing how his son got lost into his own world while performing halfway. She is just like any other mother with 'normal' child, proud of her own son. That's why I decided to write something about this...

Recently, a friend did the test for down syndrome for her babies, result wasn't too favourable. She decided not to do any further tests to confirm the result. She felt that all kids are God's gift, whether they are normal or not, she will keep her children. I was impressed by her courage and determination when she told me her decision, at the same time I wonder if she really understood the real implication of raising kids with down syndrome. Anyway, the test is usually not accurate so I thought it's more important to give her support as a friend, than to scare or upset her with these...

I have a brother who is different, and a mum who specialise in treating children with special needs. Seeing so many kids who are different from 'normal', I grow up believing if we knew these children will face with so many challenges in life, and not only their parents but also their whole family have to go through so much difficult times, if we can predict disabilities, maybe it is a better idea not to bring these children to this world to suffer.

However, to certain extent, what my friend said is true too; every child is a miracle, a god's gift. It is cruel to end a little life before it begins. Probably, it is not up to us to decide what kind of life the child deserve, or we deserve. Even though my heart will still twinge whenever my brother share with me his difficulties, but I am always proud of him, love him and glad that I have him as my brother.

But the question is, I am already not sure if I can cope with bringing up a normal kid. like handle the crying and  feeding etc, if my baby needs special attention and care, do I really have the courage, the patience and love to go through the special journey with her?