It's Okay to be Not Okay

我最讨厌别人跟我说“It's fine". 我从小就不是一个喜欢随便将就的人，常常会固执到底，在父母眼中应该是个让人头疼不听话的小孩吧。

上个星期对别家小孩来说是学校假期，对我们来说是比赛期。一周比赛后，周六回家吃饭时，在饭桌上，妈妈苦口婆心地和婉玲说，“你要学会自己去比赛，训练。以前你们阿姨中学打英式女篮时，都是自己去训练，自己去比赛，我们都不知道也不用带的。” 她的阿姨，我的姐姐这周六刚好和姐夫和小孩们去度假没有来。我知道妈妈是好心，想要鼓励婉玲更自立些，可是我却被莫名地“点燃”，“戳中”： “姐姐几时有打比赛？她有参加学校比赛？我怎么一点印象都没有！”我质问。是啊，我们家就是这样，看似亲密无间，却一直都那么疏离，连姐姐中学时参加什么课外活动我也不知道。弟弟和妈妈就唱双簧似地互相作证，而我仍坚持不信。然后我就看着向岭偷笑地看我们一家的笑话，这场闹剧在我说我会去问姐姐后结束。

其实不止妈妈说婉玲应该要自己去训练，不应该那么依赖我接送，我的朋友也那么说，我自己也那么讲。只是妈妈的说法很让我不爽。英式女篮打比赛，也不需要扛着装着2-3粒12-14磅的球的又大又重的保龄球包，有什么可比性？还有凭什么妈妈在我们成长岁月中的缺席中，仅仅只记得姐姐有参加英式女篮球比赛和训练，而不记得我自己是怎么扛着我又大又重的中阮去训练，去表演（而且不止是在中学时期，一直到大学都是！）？而且她这些还是对我的女儿说的，像是值得她骄傲的只有姐姐而已，自立独立的只有姐姐而已。我呢？

回家后，我不屈不挠地追问在度假的大姐。果然她真的在中一，中二时有参加过学校的英式女篮球（妈妈对她的关注是真的，而且她常常和年纪较小的弟弟提起，所以弟弟也知道，就只有我没良心地什么都不记得），可是后来就退出了。除了这个，她中学时还参加书法学会。书法这个我倒是有印象，毕竟姐姐当时参加许多书法比赛有得到冠军的。果然是要成绩好才能被人记住。

得到答案后，我仍觉得十分烦躁，一整夜都睡不安稳。隔天一早就起来游泳。当我在泳池里奋力游时，想到这件事，眼泪就不自主地刷刷往下流。我想要随着我努力向前游的速度，让泳池里的水带走我不争气的泪水。不一会儿，我就发现不管我游得多快，泳池里的水都带不走我的泪水，它们只会积累在我的泳镜里。 这时我想起最近在重看的韩剧“It's okay to be not okay" 里的一段故事中说的：“痛苦难受的记忆，深感后悔的记忆，伤害他人与被人伤害的记忆，被抛弃的记忆，唯有将这些记忆埋藏在内心深处过活的人才能变得更坚强，更热情，更有韧性。”

故事里的角色都是一些心里有缺陷的人，其中男主角的哥哥是智力有缺陷，有自闭症的大人。从小妈妈就教导身为弟弟的他，要帮忙照顾哥哥，保护哥哥，甚至还说妈妈就是为了让你照顾哥哥才把你生下的。所以他会质问，难道对父母来说，小孩一定要有用吗？可是还是兢兢业业地在母亲去世后（他那时都还只是小孩），一直都照顾着哥哥，把照顾哥哥当成他人生最重要的事。他一直要逃离让他和哥哥不开心的回忆，可是怎么也不开心幸福。

成长中所受的伤痛，总是最伤人的。以为自己把它深深地藏进心里深处，再把自己多年累积的面具勤勤恳恳地带着，就能骗过所有人“I am fine"。可是每当我们最亲近的人，轻轻地，无意地在我们的心里扎下一刀，这个伤口就会马上发脓爆发。于是我努力地又游多几圈，直到太阳升起。无情的阳光刺进我双眼，蒸发我眼中的泪。我安慰自己：“It's okay，I am fine." 然后结束我早上的运动，回家继续努力当个好妈妈。

爱情的模样

在这个阻断措施中，困在家里无聊的时候，下载了一个KTV app。可以在家偶尔唱唱歌也很不错，就邀了向岭一起玩。说来也有点蠢，我们都住一起，可是却要用各自的手机，戴着耳机躲在不同的房间“一起”唱歌。

不像在KTV唱歌气氛渲染吵杂，用这个app唱歌，因为用耳机唱和听，其实对方的声音更清晰。在轮到他唱的时候，用着耳机仔细聆听，声音温柔好听，突然一瞬间又有一种心动的感觉。不知怎地，想起了刚认识他的时候的那个翩翩少年。对，你没有看错，我竟然用了“翩翩少年”来形容他。说着我鸡皮疙瘩也出来了。

我们是在大学的华乐团里认识的。他是我们弹拨组的组长，是弹古筝的。弹古筝的男生，大部分都有一种温文尔雅，和有一种风度翩翩的感觉。（也有完全没有这样的气质的啦，我是说普遍的说，所以很多古装片的男主都有抚琴的）他很少弹琴，反而是他的好朋友也是弹古筝的常常炫技。印象中，那时还很纤瘦的他，总是静静在旁“做无”。我和亲近的团友常常私地里揶揄感叹为何我们的组长这么“懒惰”的。所以那时对他的印象，就是一个内敛，有才却不外漏，好像什么大事发生他都能处变不惊无所谓地应付的人。还记得第一次听到他的歌声是我们一帮人一起去KTV唱歌。那时听到他温柔的声线，就是这样想的。声音不会骗人（吧）。

其实在阻断措施困在家里，整天都看到对方，总有很多摩擦和不爽。遥想当初那个“翩翩少年”如今变成一个差不多开始脱发，微微发福，好像一直都在讲电话工作，不理我的大叔，我心里难免常有怨言。翩翩少年成长为沉稳成熟大叔，他还是那个他吗？

那天，又听到了他的歌声，仿佛看到了最初爱情的模样。愿我们都能保持那份初心，总是能看到对方那曾经让我们心动的模样。

质问和提问

我承认我错了。

我承认我生气时，沟通方面有欠缺冷静(其实是很糟糕，一点也没有办法好好沟通)。当然无法得到很好的谅解和效果，只会让自己更生气，让对方也生气。我不是圣人啊。如果这样也要被归类为千古罪人，公平吗？只因为我生气，我就一定是错的?因为我生气，我就是坏人?因为我生气，我就是肇事者，对方就会变被害人?不管我受到多少的委屈，不论我内心多么挫折。

是的，世界就是那么不公平。失去分寸的人总是那个吃亏的人。情绪平稳，对人对事不亢不卑的总是那个把握大局的人。

我一直在反省。

是的，对错根本不重要。对彼此的心才重要。

往往生气的时候，我们总是都用质问的语气。被质问的心情总是不好的。当然被质问后，我们得到的答案都不是我们想听到的。可以参考这个文章https://positive2u.com/20171207/

比如说:
为什么做不到？
怎么会发生这种事？
你打算如何解决？
你确定是这样吗？

质问通常都是带着批判和怀疑的态度。当被质问后，都会感觉被责骂了，被不信任了，有这种负面的感觉就当然会不爽，不爽也就会出言不逊。我昨晚就被质问: "what did you do?" 深怕是自己理解能力不好，我google translate 了， 那是"你做了什么?" 我也好不逊色地反问，语气当然也不在话下。这样反复地互相质问，结果只是互相伤害，加深彼此的不信任。

好啦，那该怎么提问呢?

我觉得那是超级高情商的人才能时时做到的。

提问的范例问句：

是什么原因导致这样的结果呢？
如果要避免这样的状况，我们要注意什么？
对案子目前的状况，你有什么感受？
如果依你的想法做这件事，你的建议会是什么？

我现在知道为什么我的女儿们都常常发脾气了。连我长这么大的人都没有办法做到的，他们年纪小小的我怎么能要求她们做到呢?

好啦，既然对错不重要，那要凭什么衡量对方的心呢? 是只坚持自己没做错的人比较少那份心吗?没有静下心来聆听对方说什么，只专注抓对方的错处然后大肆渲染来证明自己的人比较少那份心吗?是只一味替自己辩护的人比较少那份心吗？是一直用言语或行动伤害对方比较少那份心吗?

是啊， 如果有心就会多点聆听，少些辩解。提问就自然而然会问出口的。只要有真正聆听就应该不会有没法沟通这件事。

心死，就是从嘴巴闭上， 无法沟通的时候开始的事。

Effective communication

I am very into a china show call super nanny recently. I shared the clip to xl and told him the things i am learning from the show. But he didnt bother to watch it at all.

After watching a few episodes of the show, i realised no matter what problem the parents were facing with their kids, the conclusion of the problem is always it's the parents fault. It's a great revelation for me. I face problems with my kids too. And i am always searching the way or method i can do to correct them. But more often than not, our kid's behavior is the result of our own actions. So if we don't change first, no matter what method we use, will not work.

For example, wanling often has emotion meltdowns. Her main means of communication is to cry. We have tried all ways to make her understand crying is not correct. But it doesnt work. Even if she after calming down, and admit that crying is wrong, next time when she faces a rejection from us, or
 doesnt get what she wants, she will still cry.

There are many similar cases in the show, of kids crying and shouting and throwing tantrums. Most of the time, it is because the child do not know any other means to express themselves. They do not know because they were not taught how to communicate effectively. Ànd most of the time, the parents do not know how to communicate effectively too, includes setting bad examples to the child when they communicate to other members of the family  ( like their own parents or their spouse  or even to the child). I reflected, i think it is true for my own case. I couldnt identify my own emotions most of the time too, and when i am overwhelmed with negativè emotions i also dont know how to handle the negative emotions i am feeling. And when it happens to wanling, of course i am unable to teach her effectively how to handle her own emotions. So i tried to handle her. I demanded her to be quiet, to listen to my instructions. But, a child is a seperate individual with her own feelings and thoughts. It is unreasonable to expect our child to behave ecactly the way we want her to behave, as if she is a robot we programmed.

So i tried to implement the changes in myself and the way i communicate with her, and also with xl. However, like just now, xl do not agree with some of the things i did. And we had an argument. I tried to talk to him calmly and explain properly my rationale and logic. But he is inclined to end the conversation to agree to disagree. He said, he will say sorry because i always force him to agree with what i think or do, and he only say sorry because he dun wan me to be angry, but sometimes things is not always right and wrong. While i do agree that not all things has a clear right and wrong, because things may be different from different perspective. But when we are talking about discipline, it should be a clear line of right and wrong isn't it? If there is "in different scenario sometimes some behavior is acceptable but in some scenario the same behavior is not acceptable",  how will a child know what she did is right or wrong? And everytime when xl disagree with me, he will always bring out his fav pet line to agree to disagree.

I am always left speechless and with no closure after we have to agree to disagree. I am reflecting now. Am i unreasonable that i always force people to agree with me? Or i am only trying to seek an answer but he refuse to face the conflict? He says he understand where i am coming from, but he cannot agree. Is this even possible? Does it even make sense that everytime we are in a disagreement, it is always that nobody is wrong, it is just different perspective? Or he is never wrong. I am always forcing him to agree with me just because i will be angry if he disagree with me?

Even today, i already talked and explain to him in a calm way, slow and soft voice. He still gave me the same conclusion. He would like to end of the conversation to agree to disagree. Why? Why is it so hard for him to agree with me? Is it really me? Is it true that i have to force him to agree with me and cannot see from his point of view? I really dont think so! If he had brought up a valid point i would agree with him. If i did something wrong i do say sorry to him before too! But when it comes to some things that i feel is logical and correct, but is different from what he feel, he will want to agree to disagree. When we disagree, i am always the person who is 无理取闹.  Sometimes somethings really do have an absolute right or wrong isnt it? Or at least we can agree to see from same perspective next time when same things were to happen again? i am really feeling helpless, frustrated and confused.

#GE2015

I can't sleep despite taken drowsy  medicine for my cough and flu... Because I am angry ...

1) I couldn't vote this coming election. a trip was planned way in advance before they decided to have polling day on a Friday ! Why Friday ? If they have it on Saturday as usual, I would be able to vote !

2) I felt betrayed.

Fengshan is carved out from East Coast GRC to be a SMC this time. My house is at fengshan smc for this election, Mr Raymond Lim was my MP. MR Raymond Lim used to be our transport minister, who basically did nothing worth mentioning , except to increase the number of platform to 5 from 3 at jurong east mrt station... And I just found out he did not even speak at all in Parliament for the past 4 years http://themiddleground.sg/2015/08/12/tmg-exclusive-speaking-truth-parliament/

Now, Mr Lim , 59 years old, is retiring as MP in this election. No matter how the media paint the story, I see it as he 输不起。 59 is too young to retire isn't it?.

Ok, fine.. He is probably disheartened.. Just because he was the transport minister, he's blamed.. Look at Mr Lui Tuck Yew, despite being on the ground, working so hard to serve the public, he is still blamed, scolded , and even mocked by the public...  I respect Mr Lim's decision to "retire" .. But I would expect PAP to field someone 厉害, they wouldn't want to lose another seat to WP right？ when I saw the list, the PAP candidate is Cheryl Chan.. Who is she?

Ok, maybe I am not involved in the pap grassroot thingy, so I dunno her.. Then I look at WP's candidate, is Dennis Tan... Huh.. Who is he ? Googled him, nothing came out. He was mentioned in the list of new WP candidates, but not interviewed, no quotes from him.. Nothing. He is not one of the featured WP candidates.

So I imagined, PAP strategy is "carve out Fengshan, so WP will have to field a strong, or known candidate in a SMC, so East Coast GRC team will not be so strong, we will have a higher chance to win". WP strategy to counter "we knew you would rather us have one more seat only, so we will do the opposite and make a bet! Field the strongest team we can manage to form in East Coast GRC, and a equally nobody in Fengshan. Voters will decide if they like WP more or PAP more!" 渺小的我。。(not that I get to vote... But still 不爽that we are not cherished by either party)

Maybe I dunno the candidates ... It might be too early to say they are not capable or what.. Ok, We shall see...

3) there are many weird ppl running for election.. What is Roy Nygren and Han Hui Hui doing as candidates ? There are also many ppl blindly supporting oppositions.. Supporting the pension funds, min wage, and all the what-have-not-socialist policies which might be detrimental to Sg economy... I do agree that policies have to be made with Singaporean in mind, not money.. But do we have to be so extreme ??

Policies that please the crowd may not be really beneficial policies for Singaporeans ... I certainly hope opposition parties do not promise these policies just to win votes...

4) many post on fb, something like "we must be appreciative of what pap did. Sg is in a better state compared to many other countries. Opposition party dun expect to form govt, why vote them in? APEHTC cannot even manage the town council fund properly, how to manage a govt ?This sort of blind support for pap..

What pap did right in the past does not mean that they will always be right, right ? Opposition party dun expect to form govt , doesn't mean that they cannot right ? Even Raymond Lim can be transport minister, why say eg. Chen Show Mao cannot ? He is probably equally experienced and educated, isn't he  ?  Is it wrong to have a realistic goal ?

It is never a level playing ground for the oppositions. Will Straits Times ever report how many of PAP MP  own or is related to companies that profited from govt projects ? Were any of our ministry or pap town council scrutinized like how APEHTC is scrutinized ? Is it fair to make a judgement base on what govt-controlled media reports?

XL ask me.. Why am I so upset, I won't be voting anyway... My ans is, precisely because I won't get to vote, so I am upset... I am upset that "my voice will not be heard" this time round... And I am not willing to pay a few hundred dollars and forfeit a few hundred dollars paid to change the dates for the coming trip just for "my voice to be heard". -- Irony of a true Singaporean

The battle of "How to lose weight"

Losing weight is a battle

It is so easy to gain weight, but so hard to lose weight.

I have gained at least 10kg after giving birth to my beautiful girls, and maybe 5 more after wedding. So it is a whopping 15 kg from my wedding photo time.

I did not seriously try to lose weight in the past... as I am rather happy with myself and thought that I can always try to lose more next time... but the "next time" never came, and I think my weight is now in an unhealthy zone, and I do not look as slim as before... BUT, I still did not take any action until the unfortunate situation that happened a few months back, that I finally decide I should do something!

SO the battle with weight starts.

Why is losing weight so difficult?
I googled it : http://www.sparkpeople.com/blog/blog.asp?post=8_reasons_why_youre_not_losing_weight

My 3 reasons Why losing weight is a battle

1) We have to battle with our determination to start moving. 
Newton's First Law is one of the most powerful law in the universe. An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force. 

We do know that exercise is a key important reason to lose weight. We will not only lose some calories when we exercise, we will also have a healthier body when we exercise. But to start a regular, sustainable and enjoyable exercise regime is SO difficult. The key word is "enjoyable". Because if you do not enjoy the activity, it is unlikely you can do it for long and reap the health benefits, and also it might result in mental stress which will eventually result in more food intake....

2) We have to battle with our mind to fight off hunger
Yes, mathematically eating less, will result in negative calorie and should result in weight loss. But, time and time again, when I thought I ate very little and eat healthier food I should weigh lesser, the weighing scale will tell me another story. 

You may think that hunger is a natural reaction. When we are hungry, our body is telling us we need food, we should eat. But, our body is a magically irritating system that will just follow a clock. If you have a habit of eating supper, every night you will feel hungry and will need to eat. If you have a habit of eating tea-break, once the clock strike 3pm your stomach will start growling. Are you really hungry? 

Losing weight is an uphill battle to fight against the old bad habits and establishing good ones. 

It is the same with cravings. Do I really need the ice cream treat after my run, because I ran? Do I really need the coke because weather is so hot? Or do I really need the llao llao's Sanum because I need to have the smooth froyo with the crunchy caramelized biscuits, fresh sweet fruits and rafflellao sauce ???  I love food, I really enjoy having good food, but sadly most good food comes with fattening calories.....

3) We have to battle with our body system
Our body, as I mentioned, is a magically irritating system. Also applying the Newton's first law, it likes to stay "balanced" 

If you eat very little to lose weight, our body will adjust our metabolism rate to a lower rate, so we can "survive" and burn less calories. If we work very hard and exercise, our body will make us feel more hungry to compensate for the loss of energy. IF we exercise the same way and have the same diet for a period of time, our body will get used to it and find the balance to maintain the same weight. 

So, key to lose weight is actually try to outsmart and cheat our body.
eg, eat high fibrous food or maybe more protein so we feel full for longer period? Interval training, and rotating different kinds of exercise? Controlling our mind so we do not crave for certain kind of fattening food and just eat healthy food?

I have no idea how to do that... 

Attending wedding and breastfeeding

It is my brother-in -law wedding soon. 

I used to be cool abt attending wedding with baby when wl was baby,  when I only had one baby.  My coolest feat was when she was abt 3mth old,  I attended 2 of my best friends wedding on the same day alone with her in a sling. (Both of them are also mother now, and their baby both also born on the same mth as mm, such a coincidence rite? ) Breastfeeding-convenient dress,  and nursing cover with a baby who will slp everytime after latch.  I thought I was the coolest mum in town. Fast forward abt 3 yrs later,  I suddenly became an useless mum who can't bring her kids to wedding.  (And the irony is , now I have the whole husband, in-law,  and even helper going to the same wedding. More ppl by right shud be more help right? )

The stress came when another bro gf say she is going to get professional to do make up for her that day.  And then mil came to saye that we have to make up look good that day coz we are "半个主人" must show that we 重视这个婚礼"。ok,  I got it,  I am expected to look good on that day.  So I suggested,  can the girls follow them to the hotel after the early morning tea ceremony , so I can go and make myself look gd. Response is , ok,  wl can go with us,  but baby go with u ,  in case she wanna feed.  Oh right , I am supposed to look good AND be a breastfeeding mum.

I am not saying breastfeeding mum cannot look gd,  but there are really a few major restriction when u have a wriggling 8mth old baby who is curious about every sound and movement PLUS refuse to eat solid and still drink milk every 3hrs , AND a almost 3yr old toddler who don't like to eat wedding food and will go into sudden tantrums esp when she Is going to miss her afternoon nap. If I will have to fulfil my mother duties, I will have to wear nursing wear and bra which are not meant to be figure flatering and pretty,  and no accesories and heels to make it safe for running ard while carrying babies who might pull ur earrings. And whats the pt of putting make up when most likely u will look like a crazy women trying to make the toddler eat and stopping the baby from crawling out of the baby chair AT THE SAME TIME? And the long hours from early tea ceremony to rom to wedding lunch .... oh, i really dread bringing them to wedding now. :(

鱼与熊掌不可兼得。so, do u wan me to look good or be a breastfeeding mum?

breastfeeding... again

i saw an article recently about how breastfeeding could harm baby.  Couldn't find the exact article again,  but here is a similar one http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/mother-tongue/10911177/Breastfeeding-wars-is-breast-really-best.html

"Breast is good"
I heard this from my friends too , from the pre natal class, and hospital too,  when I was first pregnant with wl. But Breastfeeding is nv easy; engorgement is nightmare , pumping is depressing, nipple sores is the worst pain besides labour contraction, leaking milk is also one of the worst embarassing thing I have to face, smelling like milk ALL the time, wearing ugly pumping/latching friendly clothes and being mistaken to be pregnant is also quite unbearable. on top of this , u get questioned by stranger aunties all the time, "what ? U din feed formula even at night? Are u sure ur baby had enough milk? " Its also all those famous actress fault who made child bearing seems so effortless, they breastfeed, get back to shape super fast,  and still look glamorous all the time. How did they manage to do it?

Despite all these I still manage to breastfeed wl exclusively for a year plus. to be honest,  I am also very proud to say that my baby is exclusively breastfed whenever I was asked. Its like saying "yes,  I am a strong mum who overcome all obstacles and pre-judgement and pressure, I gave my baby MY milk!"
(Actually its because wl refused bottle! I was kinda forced to breastfeed, haha)  

I guess there is always two sides to a coin, equal stress will be felt for those mums who can't breastfeed their babies successfully. Its hard to not feel guilty if u can't provide enough milk for ur baby. Small little things like indulging in unhealthy snacks (in turn might result unhealthy milk for my baby) can make me feel guilty already! And ppl nowadays are so self-righteous that they always wanna talk down to strangers as if they know it all. Look at how xiaxue is being scrutinize on every single way she raise dash on her social media. They say "mummy know the best" , so can strangers please shut up?

However, I think it is unfair to blame breastfeeding for causing mum's to get post-Natal depression. And breastfeeding for causing jaundice in baby. It is common for new born to have jaundice and there is also differentiation between breastfeeding jaundice and breast milk jaundice.

Both my girls had jaundice when they are newborn,  although wl is more serious than yl. My milk supply came in earlier for yl too (maybe coz she's second child, my breast is 'seasoned', Or maybe we had very long skin to skin time right after birth coz my room is not ready) but even so, lactation consultant was ard for both to make sure there was proper latch and everything is fine. And the nurse did supplement wl with formula for the initial period when milk is not enuf. .. it didn't help to bring down her jaundice level.

Anyways , I just want to say mothers all need great support to whichever decisions they make.  And most importantly, mothers must feel happy for child to be happy too! So , do not give mothers unnecessary stress and opinions. Also, mothers should always seek opinion from professional when in doubt.  ;)

How l hope l can spend my weekends.

Wake up at 7am, and think it's just 7am and sleep some more, cuddle a bit with hubby..
Finally open my eyes at 10am, browse my facebook and play Candycrush till I finish all my lives on my comfy bed..
Finally jump off bed feeling happy and excited, then skipped to the hippest cafe in town for a cool brunch.
Enjoy pretty food and latte-art Coffee while I try to take yummy looking food to post on my instagram , then enjoy best friends' company at the cafe, sharing the latest gossips.
It is a great day with nice weather, go swimming with hubby before dinner.
It's dinner time with family. Weekend is best with home cooked food (cooked by my mummy)
TV time with family in the evening.
9pm, go late nightmovie With my lovely hubby.
Ends the day with supper at the market, what is weekend without satay / fried hokken mee or Punggol nasi lemaK ?

How l actually spend my weekend

6am: Woke up by MM, probably the third time since last night? I can't really remember . Dream feed= l feed mm in my dreams. (or while sleepwalking)
7am: Woke up again because gg cry coz she dun see me lying beside her when she peep in her sleep. Couldn't figure out how she manage to do that...
7.30am: finally comforted gg and get ready for breakfast.
8am: Breakfast is noodle soup share with gg. Din really know how 'it taste like Or remember if I did eat anything, because my focus is to feed gg her noodles and feed mm cereal at The same time. "Brain rules' is right, our brain is not wired to multitask.
9am: Running after naked gg to go into toilet for shower.
10.30am: Finally both princesses are cleaned and dressed. I try to shower quickly and get ready to go out for lunch. No time to dress up, I think I look Ok la, most importantly top is nursing accessible, whole day outside dunno when and where have to feed MM. (It's lunch time already?!?)
1130am: We are early for friends lunch gathering (actually is my friends are late for our brunch gathering) , so brought gg to play at the mall's children play area. In between, checked out the new malls' nursing room which is elephant big, and try to nurse fussy mm.....
1 pm: when gg is finally warmed up to play at the new playground, Our friends arrived for lunch ( or breakfast for my friends)
2.30pm: managed to survive lunch with mm crying and sleeping intermittently ,  friends have not seen each other for a long time so we decide to have Some coffee and dessert to catchup some more.
3pm: finally settled down at a new hipster cafe with young people, MM started to be cranky and husband need to carry her walk ard the mall.
3.30pm It's gg turn to be cranky because she missed her usual nap time which is 2 and half hours ago.
4pm hastily ended coffee session and apologized to friends for my cranky babies. We parted and promised to meet again real soon. (which probably will not happen anytime soon unless we all forget abt today's drama )
5pm: still in car because both kids are sleeping like angels in their car seat.
6.30pm: At parents home for dinner. It's a blessing to have other family members to entertain gg and carry mm.
8pm: Shower both kids and get ready to go home.
9pm: Home sweet home. Can't wait to go to my comfy bed. But gg refused to sleep. Luckily mm feel asleep In her car seat whole travelling home.
10pm: After acceding to gg countless request such as "l want milk" "No, I want Milk in hello kitty bottle" "I want星星＂ ( the graduate puff) , "l want Dora" (Watch her favorite cartoon Dora)  etc.
11pm: (or so) I am already asleep before gg sleep. Thank goodness the husband is awake to entertain her)
12pm: (or so) Mm crying for milk... it's another day already....

disclaimer: Above is probably an exagerated illustration of some of the worst seenario I had during weekend, which happens rather frequently. 

Parenting comes with challenges and sacrifices. Though endless and repeating drama makes me feel exhausted most of the time. nothing can replace the joy of seeing the girls smile , learning new things and growing up.

文化遗产

最近有个展览，主题是"消失的华校，国家永远的资产"。有位我认识的华文老师积极向周围的朋友宣扬，顺便炫耀她的母校有多少杰出人才。我听了嗤之以鼻。

几个月前我还问那位老师，你怎么不和你的孙子说方言呢，好让你的孙子也会说方言?她那时的回答是，"方言没有任何价值，学来做什么?" 我怎么也没想到华文老师会对方言有这样的评价，可我也不会说方言所以也不好意说什么只能默默换话题。几个月后说方言没有任何价值的人竟然跟我说消失的华校是国家的资产???

1) 消失的东西已经不存在了，还能称上是资产?
2) 还没消失的文化都被称为没有价值，已经消失的东西你说是资产?!
3) 如今被当成资产的华校不就是和方言一样，以让国家经济繁荣为由喝令被铲除的吗?

也许被你因以为傲的所谓的资产的是那些在各个领域获得成就的校友，而不是华人五千年的文化遗产，不是那些热血沸腾的知识分子所奋斗的新世界，不是那些默默耕耘的小人物为更美好生活团结一起的勇气与良心 。

不可以

不可以恨一个人
我一直告诉自己
不值得，不应该，也不需要

可是

怎么会有那么令人讨厌的人?

自私自利
固执偏见
不通情达理
厚脸皮
武断
市侩
伪善
幼稚
卑鄙
爱耍心机
专横霸道
无法沟通

。。。 。。。