想念你的方式

想念你的方式是吃你喜欢吃的云吞面。

是玩你玩的游戏，无聊到去捉pokemon.

还有不敢告诉你，我今天忘记吃药了。

Hello 2nd trimester!

It's 2nd trimester already! 

I dun feel like it's 2nd trimester.. coz I am still having the same 1st trimester's nausea, vomiting and am still forever tired!

But hey, the belly is showing so much like it can't wait to tell everyone I'm pregnant! So when should I start to tell everyone leh? Should I already start to inform the clients I'm meeting? Do I even need to tell them? Hmmm...

On a side note, we did the down syndrome test so that we could have a detailed 1st trimester's scan... result turns out to be Yanyan is at high risk to be a down syndrome child, 1:122 chance to be exact. It's actually less than 1% chance. We have decided not to do any further diagnostics test. Most ppl are quite surprised that my reaction to the result is so indifferent. I think the normal reaction would be worried?

I did researched on it, and really think through it for days, it wasn't an impulsive decision.
Initially, I dismissed the result because it is so unreliable. We have friends with a result of 1:2, 1:7 and their child is perfectly normal! To add on to that, when doctor explained the result, she said my blood test result is normal, scan is normal, but the result is high risk. Rididiculous right?

Then doctor further explained the invasive diagnostic tests have risk of miscarriage, 1:300 chance. I have a choice to do a non-invasive blood test, which is 99.9% accurate too, but that is still a screening test, and non-conclusive. So I go back to the fundamental qn, would I keep Yanyan if she is indeed a down syndrome child? I tried so hard to keep her with me, it just doesn't make sense for me to give up on her now!

I asked, why would parents want to terminate the pregnancy if the child is diagnosed with down syndrome , or any chromosome defect problem. The most reasonable reason was that it would be hard on the child, probability of medical conditions like heart condition, hearing , eyesight problems etc would be higher. Probably child has to go through various operation at a tender age. It would be tough on parents, medical fees may be unaffordable, education fees maybe unaffordable, time required to take care of the child would be much much more.

Then I asked, would I kill Yanyan if she wasn't diagnosed with down syndrome, but born with other disabilities or illness that couldn't be diagnosed at fetus stage? I wouldn't. 

Maybe, deep down, it is still an emotional decision. I had lost a baby by nature, it just doesn't make sense to terminate one by choice. Yanyan had survived despite all the scares, she is growing! I will do all I can to make sure she can continue to grow healthily, and Yanyan, she will do her part to grow healthily.

So yanyan, if u read this when u grow up next time, Mama love you for whoever you are and however you grow up to be. Same for all my girls, wl & yl!

Emo pregnancy

I cried for the first time after sending xl off at airport. He will be away for 2 weeks for work. It was a last min arrangement, and I felt weak, so I cried.

He had been extra nice to me since the start of this pregnancy, and took care of me in any possible way.. He made sure I take my supplements and hormone pill everyday and night, made sure I wasnt hungry or too tired.. Tried to encourage me to exercise and stay fit, eat healthy and drink water.. Now, I am not sure if I can survive well without him..

Or maybe I am just emo with all the pregnancy hormones....

倔强

益铃，你长大后会记得今天吗？你今天被爸爸教训得很惨。因为姐姐不让你喝奶奶的饮料，你拉姐姐的头发。奶奶骂你，你甚至连奶奶都打。

我以为姐姐倔强，原来她是执着。倔强是像你这样，固执带点骄傲。

你不像姐姐，从小没那么常被抓去quiet corner,有的话待的时间也不长。你很快知道对错，也很会察言观色。骂你不能在墙壁上画画，你很快认错，事后也很快可以说出只能在纸上画画。

可是渐渐长大的你，很不愿意认错，尤其是拉或打姐姐这类事。骂你时，你不服输的眼神表露无疑。打你时，你怨恨的眼神更让人心痛。

事情总是有两面的。姐姐的执着帮助她克服许多困难。学穿鞋，即使是失败了一下午，她执着地一直尝试直到成功为止。可是她执着在负面情绪时，也浪费了许多精力和时间。

你不执着。你从不执着于无关紧要的事。可是，对于你要的东西，你势在必得。这算好胜吗？也许你不觉得你错，是姐姐抢你要的东西。于是你骄傲地坚持你没有错。这份坚持，若用在对的事上，会让你成功。就像五月天的歌，倔强： “最美的愿望　一定最疯狂　我就是我自己的神　在我活的地方
我和我最后的倔强　握紧双手绝对不放
下一站是不是天堂　就算失望不能绝望”

可是倔强会对你有好处是用在对的地方：“对　爱我的人别紧张　我的固执很善良　我的手越肮脏　眼神越是发光”

善良的固执。要怎么才能让你成为更善良的人，好像是我们现在的课题。因为只有你心中的那把衡量对错的尺，可以不自私，不自大，不暴力，你的固执与倔强才能让你身边的我们放心和为你感到骄傲。