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Thursday, March 9, 2017

放弃?

晏晏常常挑战我的极限。

从还没出生就已经开始。说好星期三就出来见面,他让我等到一个星期后的星期三还不要出来。本来都还很有意志力地想说服他早点出来。到最后我放弃了,随他吧。中间的等待太折磨人。

出世后,只是第二天,他就让我想放弃喂人奶。


从早上开始,他几乎一直在喝奶。喝到最后,向岭都懒得记录,也不知道怎么记录。He is just constantly at my breast. 到中午,向岭忍无可忍,说服我让护士喂他formula。他说supplement 吧,那baby不会有jaundice, 你也可以休息一下。其实我很爽快地就答应了。毕竟现在的我不像以前对喂人奶那么执着了。休息很重要。休息是为了走更长远的路。

午休了一下 ,一直喂奶的噩梦又继续。一直到晚上,精疲力尽的我们又让护士喂这个吃不饱一直哭闹的生命。然后 三个小时后的凌晨噩梦又继续。向岭已经睡得不省人事时,我还在竭尽所能尝试满足这个小生命。也许我老了,意志力薄弱了。我竟第一次想放弃喂人奶这件事。曾经的我那么坚强,即使只有几滴奶也没想放弃。如今才第二天,我竟然已经要放弃!?

第三天已经开始涨奶,block ducks, nipple sore, 所有喂人奶会有的痛和苦都开始让人濒临崩溃。把晏晏又送去nursery 让护士喂他的午休时,我在梦里踌躇着该不该放弃时,kkh 的lactation consultant 来了。她鼓励了我,也指导了我可能犯的错,我又开始有了信心。

午休后又开始奋斗。可是噩梦仍继续!直到出院前,LC一边指导一边喂后,晏晏竟然奇迹般地安静睡着!这样子的好景,一直持续到我们出院回家后的整个下午!我以为真的是我方法错误,只要一直好好做,噩梦就不会再发生了。可是我错了。回家的第一晚噩梦又开始了。还好有做月嫂的帮忙,还有朋友介绍post-natal massage 的神奇 breast massage。我靠ebm熬过无数个cluster feeding 。两个星期下来,噩梦不再那么恐怖。只是常常晚上睡觉时仍是梦着在喂奶这件事。常常午夜梦回,我也不清楚我是在做梦,还是在尝试喂饱那小生命。

以为晏晏这个小生命就只能折磨人到这个程度吗?那你就小看他的能耐了。第三星期,他生病了。感冒吧。喂也喂不好,睡也睡不好。一到晚上,他就不知原因的大哭。是我的奶不够吗?是flow太快还是太慢吗?一大堆self-doubt 折磨着我。他常常喝喝几下就睡着,睡着后还不到一小时半小时就哭。我最常听到的话是做月嫂抱着他过来跟我说 “我看他是吃不饱”。就这样,我又有放弃的念头。是不是该干脆exclusive pump算了?有可能可以像其他妈妈pump一次的份可以喂两餐?这样我就能休息个4,6个小时?

该放弃吗?

Monday, March 6, 2017

D day for yanyan!

Oh! I must quickly write down what happened. If not xl will argue with me again over what happened with his poor memory !

On Wed 15 Feb, went in to kkh after Mcdonald breakfast. Things happened pretty much like What happened with Yiling. I was 3cm dilated already, Dr KT Tan without hesitation , broke the waterbag, and medicine was put in drip to induce. Then we waited for epidural.

The anesthetist seems to be in a bad mood... Her hp keep ring when she tried to "find the space".. Of course she couldn't ! Then she blamed it on my position ... After poking for very long, she finally did it and left unapologeticly... I was just glad it's over and prayed that she really did a gd job and the epidural will work fine despite her unprofessionalism....

Everything proceeds super slowly after this... After 3hrs at abt 11am I was still 4-5cm dilated only..  But my legs were already numb, something that I didn't feel the last two times. Yanyan really dun wan to come out , we joked. The contraction was not as regular as wanling's one.. Then dajie came to visit during her lunch break. At this point I started to feel the contractions, again didn't feel this the last two times too! Just when the epidural finished, I suddenly is fully dilated ! It was a whirlwind after. I was asked to push a few times to practice, then Dr Tan was called. While waiting , the nurse "noted" baby heart decelerated. And asked me to start pushing b4 dr Tan came. Luckily , Dr Tan and her team came in shortly and took over quickly.  Maybe I was too kanchiong, I pushed wrongly a few times and got scolded by Dr Tan. When I was abt to get the hang of it, Dr Tan "noted" that umblical cord is ard baby's neck. I was told to push slowly . "huh, I dunno how to push, still must control and push slowly??" I thought to myself , and tried to control my push as much as I can. Then yanyan was born. The midwife carried the boy and shoved his penis right in front of me and asked , "boy right?" :-/

As I am recalling what happened, my heart is filled with gratitude . Despite the hiccups not only during delivery, but during
the whole pregnancy, he is with me in my arms now.