Effective communication

I am very into a china show call super nanny recently. I shared the clip to xl and told him the things i am learning from the show. But he didnt bother to watch it at all.

After watching a few episodes of the show, i realised no matter what problem the parents were facing with their kids, the conclusion of the problem is always it's the parents fault. It's a great revelation for me. I face problems with my kids too. And i am always searching the way or method i can do to correct them. But more often than not, our kid's behavior is the result of our own actions. So if we don't change first, no matter what method we use, will not work.

For example, wanling often has emotion meltdowns. Her main means of communication is to cry. We have tried all ways to make her understand crying is not correct. But it doesnt work. Even if she after calming down, and admit that crying is wrong, next time when she faces a rejection from us, or
 doesnt get what she wants, she will still cry.

There are many similar cases in the show, of kids crying and shouting and throwing tantrums. Most of the time, it is because the child do not know any other means to express themselves. They do not know because they were not taught how to communicate effectively. Ànd most of the time, the parents do not know how to communicate effectively too, includes setting bad examples to the child when they communicate to other members of the family  ( like their own parents or their spouse  or even to the child). I reflected, i think it is true for my own case. I couldnt identify my own emotions most of the time too, and when i am overwhelmed with negativè emotions i also dont know how to handle the negative emotions i am feeling. And when it happens to wanling, of course i am unable to teach her effectively how to handle her own emotions. So i tried to handle her. I demanded her to be quiet, to listen to my instructions. But, a child is a seperate individual with her own feelings and thoughts. It is unreasonable to expect our child to behave ecactly the way we want her to behave, as if she is a robot we programmed.

So i tried to implement the changes in myself and the way i communicate with her, and also with xl. However, like just now, xl do not agree with some of the things i did. And we had an argument. I tried to talk to him calmly and explain properly my rationale and logic. But he is inclined to end the conversation to agree to disagree. He said, he will say sorry because i always force him to agree with what i think or do, and he only say sorry because he dun wan me to be angry, but sometimes things is not always right and wrong. While i do agree that not all things has a clear right and wrong, because things may be different from different perspective. But when we are talking about discipline, it should be a clear line of right and wrong isn't it? If there is "in different scenario sometimes some behavior is acceptable but in some scenario the same behavior is not acceptable",  how will a child know what she did is right or wrong? And everytime when xl disagree with me, he will always bring out his fav pet line to agree to disagree.

I am always left speechless and with no closure after we have to agree to disagree. I am reflecting now. Am i unreasonable that i always force people to agree with me? Or i am only trying to seek an answer but he refuse to face the conflict? He says he understand where i am coming from, but he cannot agree. Is this even possible? Does it even make sense that everytime we are in a disagreement, it is always that nobody is wrong, it is just different perspective? Or he is never wrong. I am always forcing him to agree with me just because i will be angry if he disagree with me?

Even today, i already talked and explain to him in a calm way, slow and soft voice. He still gave me the same conclusion. He would like to end of the conversation to agree to disagree. Why? Why is it so hard for him to agree with me? Is it really me? Is it true that i have to force him to agree with me and cannot see from his point of view? I really dont think so! If he had brought up a valid point i would agree with him. If i did something wrong i do say sorry to him before too! But when it comes to some things that i feel is logical and correct, but is different from what he feel, he will want to agree to disagree. When we disagree, i am always the person who is 无理取闹.  Sometimes somethings really do have an absolute right or wrong isnt it? Or at least we can agree to see from same perspective next time when same things were to happen again? i am really feeling helpless, frustrated and confused.

渐行渐远

我有个很要好的朋友。我们一起度过最青春的大学生活， 一起哭过，笑过，一起疯狂过。认识她已经20年。她陪我走过人生中最重要的日子。是我愿意为她赴汤蹈火的朋友。可如今，我已是三个孩子的妈， 她仍是花样年华自由的单身靓女。

我们还是尽量抽空见面，甚至还有一起出国旅游，只是见面时总有一阵子的尴尬。我总是埋怨自己不够睡，孩子有多不听话。她总是嫌弃工作辛苦钱难赚，她有多忙。可是我们都无法体会对方的辛苦，了解对方的难处。因为我们已经是两个世界的人了。

有时我在想，她还是我15年前认识的她吗？我还是15年前的我吗？如果再15年后渐行渐远的我们还会绕个圈又回到同个路上吗？

我只是希望她可以找到幸福快乐。她也永远会是我愿意赴汤蹈火的朋友。