一颗心可以碎几次

一颗心可以碎几次?

是我的心脏太弱，还是寒了的心比较容易碎?

一个眼神，一个表情就像千万只箭刺穿我的心。我呆坐了很久，只听见心碎的声音。

我想起教琬玲和益铃如果遇到很生气还是很伤心，没办法控制情绪的时候，要先深呼吸，从1数到5。我照做了。可是眼泪还是不停地流。心随着呼吸，好像又回到了一起，又碎成满地。

我教她们，下一步是要好好地向对方说出你的感想和感受，好好沟通。那我应该对他说什么?

"你伤害了我。" ?
这么说，他又会指控我小题大做，无理取闹吗?
那我已经破碎的心不是又要碎多一次?

"你又没有考虑我的感受。"?
这么说，他会不会又轻蔑地说没有?

"我好好地和你讨论，你却发脾气。我和你的意见不和你就生气。"
他会不会又否认，反而说是我?

我已经不知道应该说什么了。说什么都好像是错的。

保持缄默。
深呼吸。

反正说了也没用。

反正说或没说，睡醒后他都会当成什么事也没发生一样。我又何必多说?

只是脑袋里一直响着，我一直以来常常说的:"爱，在闭上嘴的那一刻就停止了。"

爱情.快乐.幸福

幸福是靠自己争取， 而从不会是从天而降的。
快乐是自己决定，而从不会是别人给的。
爱情是需要经营，而从不会是一见钟情就能天长地久的。

很多人都同意，有了爱情就会比较幸福，有了幸福就会快乐。

可是奇怪的是，爱情是需要彼此依赖的。

爱情需要经营，要互相依靠，要彼此信任所以必须彼此依赖。可是依赖着对方，快乐就不能只靠自己决定，幸福也不能靠一个人争取。是不是因为这样，幸福总是那么如履薄冰，一脚踩错就会掉进无底深渊?

有些人说，如果可以爱得绝对，不计付出，完全信任，就不会有所谓的谁付出的多，还是谁要求太多，还是谁过头太远，谁忘了看着谁，谁让爱变沉重诸如此类的不快乐。

有些人说要知足。不要比较，不要计较，要惜福，要满足。可是我的怎么确定我的爱是值得我去付出的，是值得我去牺牲的? 除了对我的小孩的爱，我是自私的。我没有办法爱的无怨无悔，没有办法我有任何可能像个傻子一样地爱着。

我要快乐。我要能睡得安稳。
我要的幸福，谁能告诉我该怎么才能紧紧握住?

一块木头?

他是一块木头吗？还是只是take me for granted?

下星期是我们的结婚纪念日。我等到4天之前他还是没有任何表示， 我就问他， 星期二我们会做什么吗？他只是淡淡地说"哦，我忘了。又不是十年还是什么特别的。"

我们为了一件事争吵。我质问他，身为我的老公，每次都不站在我这边，也都不从我的立场为我考虑，你不惭愧吗? 他竟然笑了笑(是在嘲笑我吗？)说"不会啊"。

我们吃午餐，那个地方没有baby chair,我得抱着晏楷吃。又要喂晏晏又要抱着他，我根本都没办法好好吃。他一边悠闲地聊着天，一边慢慢地吃他的午餐。即使吃完了，也没有要帮忙的意思， 继续说着他要说的话，根本无视我的困难。

我很累了。如果每次都要为了基本的尊重，和夫妻本该有的互相扶持，都要搞到筋疲力尽，还是像贴在冷屁股一样被羞辱， 何苦?

给你的情书

依偎在你身旁
闻着你的汗臭味
一种熟悉的感觉

想要和你一样安然入睡

把和我手心几乎一样大小
你的小脚丫
轻轻地放在我手上
这时刚好
你的小手
轻轻地搭在我的脸颊

你
像是我身体的一部分
又是另一个不同的个体

随着你的呼吸
你
慢慢地离开我长大
又慢慢的窝心地暖进我心里

那个爱笑的你
那个爱生气的你
那个爱耍别人逗别人笑的你
若干年后
读到这为你写的情书
还会爱我吗？

The night Earth moved - Change do happen

我知道有句说法: 唯一不变的是， 一切永远都在变。只有新马的政府从不会变，至少昨晚之前是如此。我们独立以来，我们就是一个从没换过政府的民主国家。一党独大是我这一辈人很习惯的政治环境，甚至是理所当然，也是理应当然。一党独大等于政治稳定，政治稳定就等于经济繁荣。至少我们从小被灌输的概念是如此。

在全世界都渴望变化的大环境下; 英国投票离开了欧盟，美国投票选择了特郎谱，就连马国也一夜间换了政府，新加坡有一天也会吗？

马国人对于他们家乡选举的热情，一直以来都让我很感动的。我认识很多马来西亚朋友，常常都是排除万难只为了贡献他们的那一份微薄的力量。有一个远在中国工作，结婚生子了，也为了投票，放下工作，不管临时买机票有多贵都要搭飞机就为了投那一票。当然我也认识一些已经放弃了。他们说政府连关灯变魔术这种卑劣的手段都可以有，那个国家已经没有希望了。可是他们不回去投票，都是经过和父母激烈"讨论"后，才得到批准的。可见，大部分的马来西亚人对于选举时多么的认真。

在新加坡呢? 新加坡的明天会有变化吗？

再别斗斗

悄悄的你走了
正如你悄悄的来
你挥一挥衣袖
不带走一片云彩

Manhattan

Recently subscribed to Netflix because I have a few mths free as a LiveUp  member. So I started watching "Suits".

The familiar buildings, bridge and streets on the show just reminds me of the times I have been there, with XL, Wanling and 小斗斗。Honestly, the memory of the trip is already fuzzy now, esp I might have been deibrately forgetting most of it.. plus my deteoriating memory ... but i wished I had remembered the place better.

Well, it's been two years. I miss you 小斗斗， my child whom I have never met. I love you.

My highly sensitive? child

Just when we thought Wanling seems to be settling down into her primary school, we started to face non-stop dramas and meltdowns with her "tantrums". It appeared suddenly sometime before CNY. And got worse after she hurt her chin during CNY. No significant events happened, she just suddenly had day and night, day after day of nonstop emotional meltdowns.

Sometimes it's because Yiling get to brush teeth first, sometimes it's because I didn't hold her hand to bring her into the toilet to bathe. Sometimes it's because she just couldn't tuck in her shirt right ( dun ask me what that means, I have no idea too), or the hair clip is not at the right position??😒.

We were at our wits end, and I have run out of all my patience to deal with all the outburst of emotions that happens every other seconds. Xl turned to one of our best friends, Google, and she pointed out that she could be a highly sensitive child.

According to this website https://www.google.com.sg/amp/s/happysensitivekids.com/2016/04/12/21-ways-to-recognise-a-highly-sensitive-child/amp/

1. Your child often puts their hands over their ears to block out loud or uncomfortable noises like sirens, alarms or DIY sounds

Yes. She does this all the time. Esp if we insist to listen to songs she doesnt like.. does this count?

1. Your child hides behind your legs or is clingy in unknown places, with unknown faces or in busy places.

All the time! Sometimes even at home!

1. Your child is sensitive and highly reactive to pain.

We thought she is just trying to exaggerate to get more attention. 

1. Your child is the one retreating to a quiet corner at a birthday party.

We thought she is just extremely shy..  

1. You face inexplicable meltdowns after a school day.

Yes! Inexplicable 

1. Your child takes time to warm up when in the company of others – even people they know well.

All the time! Though it's much better now. 

1. Your child has great difficulty getting to sleep at night and in all likelihood has probably never been the best of night time sleepers, even as a baby.

Yes yes!

1. Your child is irritated by clothes tags, sock seams or ‘scratchy’ clothes.

We thought she is just fussy 

1. Your child notices the details: if you move something in your front room, your child knows it. If you change your perfume, your child remarks on it.

Eh.. this one not so much I think... 

1. Your child cries when another child cries – or is visibly upset.They notice another person’s discomfort or feelings.

She dun really care abt others I think. But she is absolutely distressed if yankai cries non stop on car rides.

1. Your child seems to prefer quiet games and enjoys their own company.

Yes!

1. Your child is a picky eater and finds some textures and strong flavours unpalatable. definitely a picky eater !
2. A busy playground is not attractive to your child. Your child observes whilst other children tear around from the slide to the swing to the climbing frame and back again. Your child is the cautious one – assessing the situation thoroughly before jumping or climbing.

Not so much now... but Yes, when she was a toddler

1. Your child startles if you raise your voice at him.

She cries immediately when i raise my voice even just slightly

1. Your child has a strong sense of smell.

Something we couldnt understand at all... she always say toilet is very smelly but we couldnt smell a thing....

1. Teachers have told you that your child is shy, quiet or sensitive.

Yes. 

1. Grandparents tell you your child seems wise beyond her years.

Hmm ... sound more like yiling

1. Your child has a perfectionist tendency.

A trait of hers that i really cant stand.. what is tuck in shirt correctly??? 

1. Your child is not keen to perform in front of strangers. They don’t do as well in tests given my strangers as they do in the company of familiar faces.

Yes.

1. Your child is immensely curious, constantly asking deep questions that you may not have the answer to.

Hmmm sounds more like yiling! Oh no, could she be highly sensitive too???

1. Your child displays immense emotion. sometimes such deep emotion you just don’t get it.

I always dun get it...

All in all, for all the tests to check if a child is highly sensitive, she will display almost all the traits of a highly sensitive child. I think she is generally extremely sensitive to touch and smell and feelings, but not so observant and vocal. 

It is a revelation to us. Because it might be true that she is not being difficult and fussy on purpose. It might be true that her senses are indeed much more sensitive than us, so she complains about the stitches at collars on t shirt itchy, even though we couldnt even feel the stitches. It might be the truth that she really couldn't stand the smell of the toilet so she can't brush teeth in the toilet, even though we can't smell any smell at all. It may be true that she is really painful, even though Yiling only slightly bump into her? She is not trying to exaggerate so we will give her more attention. She is not trying to make our life difficult, she just really couldn't help it. 

But the next question is, what can we do? We can't be giving in to her everytime just because she is sensitive right? There should be a way we can teach her how to cope with her emos?? Haiz... 

Patience.. I need more patience.....

质问和提问

我承认我错了。

我承认我生气时，沟通方面有欠缺冷静(其实是很糟糕，一点也没有办法好好沟通)。当然无法得到很好的谅解和效果，只会让自己更生气，让对方也生气。我不是圣人啊。如果这样也要被归类为千古罪人，公平吗？只因为我生气，我就一定是错的?因为我生气，我就是坏人?因为我生气，我就是肇事者，对方就会变被害人?不管我受到多少的委屈，不论我内心多么挫折。

是的，世界就是那么不公平。失去分寸的人总是那个吃亏的人。情绪平稳，对人对事不亢不卑的总是那个把握大局的人。

我一直在反省。

是的，对错根本不重要。对彼此的心才重要。

往往生气的时候，我们总是都用质问的语气。被质问的心情总是不好的。当然被质问后，我们得到的答案都不是我们想听到的。可以参考这个文章https://positive2u.com/20171207/

比如说:
为什么做不到？
怎么会发生这种事？
你打算如何解决？
你确定是这样吗？

质问通常都是带着批判和怀疑的态度。当被质问后，都会感觉被责骂了，被不信任了，有这种负面的感觉就当然会不爽，不爽也就会出言不逊。我昨晚就被质问: "what did you do?" 深怕是自己理解能力不好，我google translate 了， 那是"你做了什么?" 我也好不逊色地反问，语气当然也不在话下。这样反复地互相质问，结果只是互相伤害，加深彼此的不信任。

好啦，那该怎么提问呢?

我觉得那是超级高情商的人才能时时做到的。

提问的范例问句：

是什么原因导致这样的结果呢？
如果要避免这样的状况，我们要注意什么？
对案子目前的状况，你有什么感受？
如果依你的想法做这件事，你的建议会是什么？

我现在知道为什么我的女儿们都常常发脾气了。连我长这么大的人都没有办法做到的，他们年纪小小的我怎么能要求她们做到呢?

好啦，既然对错不重要，那要凭什么衡量对方的心呢? 是只坚持自己没做错的人比较少那份心吗?没有静下心来聆听对方说什么，只专注抓对方的错处然后大肆渲染来证明自己的人比较少那份心吗?是只一味替自己辩护的人比较少那份心吗？是一直用言语或行动伤害对方比较少那份心吗?

是啊， 如果有心就会多点聆听，少些辩解。提问就自然而然会问出口的。只要有真正聆听就应该不会有没法沟通这件事。

心死，就是从嘴巴闭上， 无法沟通的时候开始的事。

Fights

Am i an unreasonable person? Am I a tyrant who always want to be right? I think sooner or later i will be convinced by Xl that i am. 

Its not easy for me to be a yes wife, agree with the husband everything and anything he says. Its really difficult to not say out when i am upset. Its really hard for me. So does this make me an unreasonable person? A tyrant who force everyone to agree with me? 

15 Jan 2018

I didnt bring pump to work today.

Its exactly one month before Yankai's 1 year old birthday.

I am not sure how exactly i am going to weane off, because naughty boy still wakes up every 2 or 3 hours at night to feed like a newborn... but maybe i am just gonna selfishly stop pump in the day. Coz its just too demoralizing to have nothing after punping for an hour ... 😥

My breastfeeding career...

After an hour plus of squeezing and pumping, this is all i got.... i tried to comfort myself, maybe its because i did not drink enough water, maybe its because i am hungry...but i know, my breastfeeding career is coming to an end. After falling sick, both me and baby consecutively for a few times, after the sydney trip, after my period came... its imminent that my supply has dropped and is not coming back... i did not try hard enough too.. its just too tiring. I know its coming and planning for it to happen, but when the reality hit hard i still couldnt take it. I sat down in the nursing room alone and cried. I have failed, failed to perservere to a full year, i have been selfish and only thought about myself. I cried, because this is the final end. No more holding baby in my arms, close to me at my breast and my heart. This is the end, the final end of my breastfeeding career.