3.52am

3.52am, 我醒来了，做了恶梦。
其实不是恶梦，只是画面重演。梦见了几个月前在产检看不到小斗斗心跳的画面。
现在晏晏8-9weeks。小斗斗是大概这个时候决定不再长大的。
睡不着了。
5.34am

I love mama a little bit only

One day, when I kissed and hugged yiling, and told her how much I love her, she replied, "I love mama a little bit only."

My heart broke instantly.

She then proudly proclaimed, "I love papa a lot a lot!"

Ok... She is such a daddy girl now. She will ask for papa more often than requesting for my attention. I am glad too, and proud of xl. (heartbroken still)

I have been quite out of action recently.. Like sleeping in instead of sending them to school and falling asleep at 8pm .. So xl has kindly took over the night duties, to play with the girls, get them ready for bed etc..( Thank you xl!) so, the girls are more attached to him now, and their bond is even stronger! Although subconsciously I am blaming myself for being such a lousy mum... But... Yes, this is a gd thing.. And I really appreciate how xl is helping me out!

Ok.. Maybe I am not making much sense... But as much as I am heartbroken that I lost a little bit of love from yl, I still feel super loved with a caring husband who does things for me quietly.

我给宝宝取名晏

晏，天清无云
人家说，babies that comes after a miscarriage are rainbow baby, 我却希望她可以如晏，一扫阴霾，天清无云，让人心旷神怡。晏也有安然，安宁的意思。我此时也很需要颗平静的心，放平常心。
后来查字典还发现，晏有迟的意思。宝宝也是个迟来的宝贝。

我怀琬玲时，在想为她取什么名时，就非常喜欢晏这字。那时心想，我一定要让我的孩子名晏。此时，这个想法很强烈，好像宝宝本就该名晏。

晏晏，希望你日日平安，我们下星期就能够再见面。

Bye bye, my appetite

I can't finish a plate of mee siam today ...

Hello pregnancy, bye bye appetite!

Its good thing right? I can lose some weight....

Speechless

I found out I am pregnant (AGAIN) about 2 weeks ago. Xl asked me at the hospital when we were there for the first doctor's visit, why I have not blog abt this pregnancy yet. My ans was, "i am speechless".

For the past 1wks+ after the test kit showed two lines, my feelings were extremely mixed. I was totally confused.. In disbelief...scared...and having some kind of surreal feeling... Is the bb growing well? Does bb has heartbeat?.. I even have thoughts like this pregnancy might be etopic, since I have so many different kinds of miscarriage already , etopic shud be the next...

Xl reassured me, there is no point worrying abt the 'what ifs', we lived 30odd years and still have the probability to die anytime too.. So its the same for this tiny blinking white light that is now in me. He has this weird interpretation of optimism... But it did console me a little..maybe coz it sounds logical??

To report, we saw bb heartbeat for the first time today.. And I felt like crying when i know that bb HAS heartbeat! *imagine all the emotions like in Inside Out hugging each other for a small celebration and small fireworks all over*

I am glad Dr Tan wants to see me 2wks later. 2 wks shall pass soon so I will not need to wait too long to know if baby still has heartbeat ...

突然好想你

已经好像过了很久，可是算一算也只是一个多月。

好像已经放下，努力生活，却还会像今天一样喘不过气来地突然想起你。

好像生活已经回归平静，一张医院账单，一件在衣柜底新买的孕妇裙，一个路上看到的baby, 一首歌，眼眶里的眼泪就骗不了自己。

我甚至不忍看去美国时的照片，恨不得可以忘记在那遇过的点点滴滴。那次的旅程，是多么难忘，多么美丽。今日却成了最痛的纪念品。

是啊，想念如果会有声音，也不应该是悲伤的哭泣。过些时间吧，也许以后我可以不哭着想你。

https://youtu.be/fVkYrJ8weV8

智齿

这两天有件事让我非常困惑。

在我动手术拿掉小斗斗那天，刚好有个朋友告诉我她刚拔掉智齿，有5天的MC. 我还没来得及从手术室的惊悚恢复，就发现我的手术，在医学上其实和拔掉智齿差不多。也是把身体的一部份“没用的，给麻烦的”取走，也是差不多一个礼拜的mc, 也是手术后医生会给止痛药。也是开始会流些血， 会感到痛。也许拔智齿更惨些，有可能还会脸部肿， 明显地看出“你病了”。拔智齿也还有一点比我的手术好，至少手术后你还能看到你不要的智齿，决定要不要留着它。我的小斗斗，也许已经被当成垃圾不知到被处理到哪里去了，我一眼也没看到他。

手术完了，智齿没有了，不会有人关心。

接踵而来的失眠的夜，日出后不会有人过问。

被泪水浸湿的枕头，第二天干了不会有人发现。

少了一块的心，痛也没有人会懂。