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Monday, August 8, 2016

倔强

益铃,你长大后会记得今天吗?你今天被爸爸教训得很惨。因为姐姐不让你喝奶奶的饮料,你拉姐姐的头发。奶奶骂你,你甚至连奶奶都打。

我以为姐姐倔强,原来她是执着。倔强是像你这样,固执带点骄傲。

你不像姐姐,从小没那么常被抓去quiet corner,有的话待的时间也不长。你很快知道对错,也很会察言观色。骂你不能在墙壁上画画,你很快认错,事后也很快可以说出只能在纸上画画。

可是渐渐长大的你,很不愿意认错,尤其是拉或打姐姐这类事。骂你时,你不服输的眼神表露无疑。打你时,你怨恨的眼神更让人心痛。

事情总是有两面的。姐姐的执着帮助她克服许多困难。学穿鞋,即使是失败了一下午,她执着地一直尝试直到成功为止。可是她执着在负面情绪时,也浪费了许多精力和时间。

你不执着。你从不执着于无关紧要的事。可是,对于你要的东西,你势在必得。这算好胜吗?也许你不觉得你错,是姐姐抢你要的东西。于是你骄傲地坚持你没有错。这份坚持,若用在对的事上,会让你成功。就像五月天的歌,倔强: “最美的愿望 一定最疯狂 我就是我自己的神 在我活的地方
我和我最后的倔强 握紧双手绝对不放
下一站是不是天堂 就算失望不能绝望”

可是倔强会对你有好处是用在对的地方:“对 爱我的人别紧张 我的固执很善良 我的手越肮脏 眼神越是发光”

善良的固执。要怎么才能让你成为更善良的人,好像是我们现在的课题。因为只有你心中的那把衡量对错的尺,可以不自私,不自大,不暴力,你的固执与倔强才能让你身边的我们放心和为你感到骄傲。

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

10wks

今天又看到晏晏了,她还很兴奋地对我们打招呼,手舞足蹈的。
前几天的spotting 和肚子莫名其妙地痛痛的,让我寝食难安。

今天下午了针,安胎药的针,好痛。抽了血,回家就睡。睡醒时,两个小孩都吃好,冲好凉了。此刻觉得好幸福。

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

3.52am

3.52am, 我醒来了,做了恶梦。
其实不是恶梦,只是画面重演。梦见了几个月前在产检看不到小斗斗心跳的画面。
现在晏晏8-9weeks。小斗斗是大概这个时候决定不再长大的。
睡不着了。
5.34am

Monday, July 18, 2016

I love mama a little bit only

One day, when I kissed and hugged yiling, and told her how much I love her, she replied, "I love mama a little bit only."

My heart broke instantly.

She then proudly proclaimed, "I love papa a lot a lot!"

Ok... She is such a daddy girl now. She will ask for papa more often than requesting for my attention. I am glad too, and proud of xl. (heartbroken still)

I have been quite out of action recently.. Like sleeping in instead of sending them to school and falling asleep at 8pm .. So xl has kindly took over the night duties, to play with the girls, get them ready for bed etc..( Thank you xl!) so, the girls are more attached to him now, and their bond is even stronger! Although subconsciously I am blaming myself for being such a lousy mum... But... Yes, this is a gd thing.. And I really appreciate how xl is helping me out!

Ok.. Maybe I am not making much sense... But as much as I am heartbroken that I lost a little bit of love from yl, I still feel super loved with a caring husband who does things for me quietly.

Monday, July 4, 2016

我给宝宝取名晏

晏,天清无云
人家说,babies that comes after a miscarriage are rainbow baby, 我却希望她可以如晏,一扫阴霾,天清无云,让人心旷神怡。晏也有安然,安宁的意思。我此时也很需要颗平静的心,放平常心。
后来查字典还发现,晏有迟的意思。宝宝也是个迟来的宝贝。

我怀琬玲时,在想为她取什么名时,就非常喜欢晏这字。那时心想,我一定要让我的孩子名晏。此时,这个想法很强烈,好像宝宝本就该名晏。

晏晏,希望你日日平安,我们下星期就能够再见面。

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Bye bye, my appetite

I can't finish a plate of mee siam today ...

Hello pregnancy, bye bye appetite!

Its good thing right? I can lose some weight....

Monday, June 27, 2016

Speechless

I found out I am pregnant (AGAIN) about 2 weeks ago. Xl asked me at the hospital when we were there for the first doctor's visit, why I have not blog abt this pregnancy yet. My ans was, "i am speechless".

For the past 1wks+ after the test kit showed two lines, my feelings were extremely mixed. I was totally confused.. In disbelief...scared...and having some kind of surreal feeling... Is the bb growing well? Does bb has heartbeat?.. I even have thoughts like this pregnancy might be etopic, since I have so many different kinds of miscarriage already , etopic shud be the next...

Xl reassured me, there is no point worrying abt the 'what ifs', we lived 30odd years and still have the probability to die anytime too.. So its the same for this tiny blinking white light that is now in me. He has this weird interpretation of optimism... But it did console me a little..maybe coz it sounds logical??

To report, we saw bb heartbeat for the first time today.. And I felt like crying when i know that bb HAS heartbeat! *imagine all the emotions like in Inside Out hugging each other for a small celebration and small fireworks all over*

I am glad Dr Tan wants to see me 2wks later. 2 wks shall pass soon so I will not need to wait too long to know if baby still has heartbeat ...