极端的徐晏楷，像他很容易笑一样，也很容易生气。他可以因为我比较慢点抱他起来就生气。可以只是因为睡不着而生气。他生气时像火山爆发一样，像海啸咆哮一样。听他生气地的哭喊，我才真正体会什么叫做惊天地泣鬼神，才明白什么叫束手无策。
徐晏楷，如果以后你看到为你写的这一篇， 来抱一抱妈妈吧。妈妈每天都被你的哭笑弄得心化了又凝结，折磨得快长茧了，变得哭笑不得了。
Sunday, September 10, 2017
徐晏楷，还好你爱笑
极端的徐晏楷，像他很容易笑一样，也很容易生气。他可以因为我比较慢点抱他起来就生气。可以只是因为睡不着而生气。他生气时像火山爆发一样，像海啸咆哮一样。听他生气地的哭喊，我才真正体会什么叫做惊天地泣鬼神，才明白什么叫束手无策。
徐晏楷，如果以后你看到为你写的这一篇， 来抱一抱妈妈吧。妈妈每天都被你的哭笑弄得心化了又凝结，折磨得快长茧了，变得哭笑不得了。
Tuesday, August 15, 2017
Who's behind the door? (Of the toilet)
I think its undeniable that toilet is the favourite hideout spot for mums? I mean even xl likes to hide in the toilet. Moana's "How far i can go" is the kids fav song now. After being brainwashed by their new fav song, these lyrics "came" to me one day. So for mums out there who also hide in the toilet like me:
Monday, June 12, 2017
Identity crisis
I "fled" to seoul just before Yankai turns 3 month old. I felt so ashamed that I didn't dare to post any photos on social media. I didn't enjoy myself entirely when I was there too. I regreted this decision the moment I booked the tickets.
I mean.. I had great food, had nice company, did some stuff that I didn't do before in seoul when I was there a few years back... i like went to the jjimjibang.. and tried to have fun...but I felt like an empty shell all the time when I was there. I missed my baby terribly, I had to pump milk which I can't bring home for him... this is a trip I wanted to go since last yr, but it just didn't turn out to be how I wished it to be.
I wanted to changed my profile picture one morning after feeding Yankai, as my instagram profile is still using a photo of me 10 years ago during our honeymoon trip. It's time to change, I thought. But as I scrolled through the photos I have in my hp, I couldn't find one I thought can represent me.
Am I this person who is baby wearing everywhere? Always wearing nursing accessible clothes, and with unkempt hair?
Or i am this girl who goes shopping and travelling (and leave her kids at home, #mumguilt)
Or am I just mum to these children?
Or this person with make up and only appear on social media platform?
Or am I this person who struggles to go to work in between feeding and pump schedule, and at the same time tries to look decent and professional?
Ok.. is this the mid life crisis everyone is talking about? Or just identity crisis??
I wanted to changed my profile picture one morning after feeding Yankai, as my instagram profile is still using a photo of me 10 years ago during our honeymoon trip. It's time to change, I thought. But as I scrolled through the photos I have in my hp, I couldn't find one I thought can represent me.
Ok.. is this the mid life crisis everyone is talking about? Or just identity crisis??
Thursday, March 9, 2017
放弃？
晏晏常常挑战我的极限。
从还没出生就已经开始。说好星期三就出来见面，他让我等到一个星期后的星期三还不要出来。本来都还很有意志力地想说服他早点出来。到最后我放弃了，随他吧。中间的等待太折磨人。
出世后，只是第二天，他就让我想放弃喂人奶。
从早上开始，他几乎一直在喝奶。喝到最后，向岭都懒得记录，也不知道怎么记录。He is just constantly at my breast. 到中午，向岭忍无可忍，说服我让护士喂他formula。他说supplement 吧，那baby不会有jaundice, 你也可以休息一下。其实我很爽快地就答应了。毕竟现在的我不像以前对喂人奶那么执着了。休息很重要。休息是为了走更长远的路。
午休了一下 ，一直喂奶的噩梦又继续。一直到晚上，精疲力尽的我们又让护士喂这个吃不饱一直哭闹的生命。然后 三个小时后的凌晨噩梦又继续。向岭已经睡得不省人事时，我还在竭尽所能尝试满足这个小生命。也许我老了，意志力薄弱了。我竟第一次想放弃喂人奶这件事。曾经的我那么坚强，即使只有几滴奶也没想放弃。如今才第二天，我竟然已经要放弃！？
第三天已经开始涨奶，block ducks, nipple sore, 所有喂人奶会有的痛和苦都开始让人濒临崩溃。把晏晏又送去nursery 让护士喂他的午休时，我在梦里踌躇着该不该放弃时，kkh 的lactation consultant 来了。她鼓励了我，也指导了我可能犯的错，我又开始有了信心。
午休后又开始奋斗。可是噩梦仍继续！直到出院前，LC一边指导一边喂后，晏晏竟然奇迹般地安静睡着！这样子的好景，一直持续到我们出院回家后的整个下午！我以为真的是我方法错误，只要一直好好做，噩梦就不会再发生了。可是我错了。回家的第一晚噩梦又开始了。还好有做月嫂的帮忙，还有朋友介绍post-natal massage 的神奇 breast massage。我靠ebm熬过无数个cluster feeding 。两个星期下来，噩梦不再那么恐怖。只是常常晚上睡觉时仍是梦着在喂奶这件事。常常午夜梦回，我也不清楚我是在做梦，还是在尝试喂饱那小生命。
以为晏晏这个小生命就只能折磨人到这个程度吗？那你就小看他的能耐了。第三星期，他生病了。感冒吧。喂也喂不好，睡也睡不好。一到晚上，他就不知原因的大哭。是我的奶不够吗？是flow太快还是太慢吗？一大堆self-doubt 折磨着我。他常常喝喝几下就睡着，睡着后还不到一小时半小时就哭。我最常听到的话是做月嫂抱着他过来跟我说 “我看他是吃不饱”。就这样，我又有放弃的念头。是不是该干脆exclusive pump算了？有可能可以像其他妈妈pump一次的份可以喂两餐？这样我就能休息个4，6个小时？
该放弃吗？
从还没出生就已经开始。说好星期三就出来见面，他让我等到一个星期后的星期三还不要出来。本来都还很有意志力地想说服他早点出来。到最后我放弃了，随他吧。中间的等待太折磨人。
出世后，只是第二天，他就让我想放弃喂人奶。
从早上开始，他几乎一直在喝奶。喝到最后，向岭都懒得记录，也不知道怎么记录。He is just constantly at my breast. 到中午，向岭忍无可忍，说服我让护士喂他formula。他说supplement 吧，那baby不会有jaundice, 你也可以休息一下。其实我很爽快地就答应了。毕竟现在的我不像以前对喂人奶那么执着了。休息很重要。休息是为了走更长远的路。
午休了一下 ，一直喂奶的噩梦又继续。一直到晚上，精疲力尽的我们又让护士喂这个吃不饱一直哭闹的生命。然后 三个小时后的凌晨噩梦又继续。向岭已经睡得不省人事时，我还在竭尽所能尝试满足这个小生命。也许我老了，意志力薄弱了。我竟第一次想放弃喂人奶这件事。曾经的我那么坚强，即使只有几滴奶也没想放弃。如今才第二天，我竟然已经要放弃！？
第三天已经开始涨奶，block ducks, nipple sore, 所有喂人奶会有的痛和苦都开始让人濒临崩溃。把晏晏又送去nursery 让护士喂他的午休时，我在梦里踌躇着该不该放弃时，kkh 的lactation consultant 来了。她鼓励了我，也指导了我可能犯的错，我又开始有了信心。
午休后又开始奋斗。可是噩梦仍继续！直到出院前，LC一边指导一边喂后，晏晏竟然奇迹般地安静睡着！这样子的好景，一直持续到我们出院回家后的整个下午！我以为真的是我方法错误，只要一直好好做，噩梦就不会再发生了。可是我错了。回家的第一晚噩梦又开始了。还好有做月嫂的帮忙，还有朋友介绍post-natal massage 的神奇 breast massage。我靠ebm熬过无数个cluster feeding 。两个星期下来，噩梦不再那么恐怖。只是常常晚上睡觉时仍是梦着在喂奶这件事。常常午夜梦回，我也不清楚我是在做梦，还是在尝试喂饱那小生命。
以为晏晏这个小生命就只能折磨人到这个程度吗？那你就小看他的能耐了。第三星期，他生病了。感冒吧。喂也喂不好，睡也睡不好。一到晚上，他就不知原因的大哭。是我的奶不够吗？是flow太快还是太慢吗？一大堆self-doubt 折磨着我。他常常喝喝几下就睡着，睡着后还不到一小时半小时就哭。我最常听到的话是做月嫂抱着他过来跟我说 “我看他是吃不饱”。就这样，我又有放弃的念头。是不是该干脆exclusive pump算了？有可能可以像其他妈妈pump一次的份可以喂两餐？这样我就能休息个4，6个小时？
该放弃吗？
Monday, March 6, 2017
D day for yanyan!
Oh! I must quickly write down what happened. If not xl will argue with me again over what happened with his poor memory !
On Wed 15 Feb, went in to kkh after Mcdonald breakfast. Things happened pretty much like What happened with Yiling. I was 3cm dilated already, Dr KT Tan without hesitation , broke the waterbag, and medicine was put in drip to induce. Then we waited for epidural.
The anesthetist seems to be in a bad mood... Her hp keep ring when she tried to "find the space".. Of course she couldn't ! Then she blamed it on my position ... After poking for very long, she finally did it and left unapologeticly... I was just glad it's over and prayed that she really did a gd job and the epidural will work fine despite her unprofessionalism....
Everything proceeds super slowly after this... After 3hrs at abt 11am I was still 4-5cm dilated only.. But my legs were already numb, something that I didn't feel the last two times. Yanyan really dun wan to come out , we joked. The contraction was not as regular as wanling's one.. Then dajie came to visit during her lunch break. At this point I started to feel the contractions, again didn't feel this the last two times too! Just when the epidural finished, I suddenly is fully dilated ! It was a whirlwind after. I was asked to push a few times to practice, then Dr Tan was called. While waiting , the nurse "noted" baby heart decelerated. And asked me to start pushing b4 dr Tan came. Luckily , Dr Tan and her team came in shortly and took over quickly. Maybe I was too kanchiong, I pushed wrongly a few times and got scolded by Dr Tan. When I was abt to get the hang of it, Dr Tan "noted" that umblical cord is ard baby's neck. I was told to push slowly . "huh, I dunno how to push, still must control and push slowly??" I thought to myself , and tried to control my push as much as I can. Then yanyan was born. The midwife carried the boy and shoved his penis right in front of me and asked , "boy right?" :-/
As I am recalling what happened, my heart is filled with gratitude . Despite the hiccups not only during delivery, but during
the whole pregnancy, he is with me in my arms now.
On Wed 15 Feb, went in to kkh after Mcdonald breakfast. Things happened pretty much like What happened with Yiling. I was 3cm dilated already, Dr KT Tan without hesitation , broke the waterbag, and medicine was put in drip to induce. Then we waited for epidural.
The anesthetist seems to be in a bad mood... Her hp keep ring when she tried to "find the space".. Of course she couldn't ! Then she blamed it on my position ... After poking for very long, she finally did it and left unapologeticly... I was just glad it's over and prayed that she really did a gd job and the epidural will work fine despite her unprofessionalism....
Everything proceeds super slowly after this... After 3hrs at abt 11am I was still 4-5cm dilated only.. But my legs were already numb, something that I didn't feel the last two times. Yanyan really dun wan to come out , we joked. The contraction was not as regular as wanling's one.. Then dajie came to visit during her lunch break. At this point I started to feel the contractions, again didn't feel this the last two times too! Just when the epidural finished, I suddenly is fully dilated ! It was a whirlwind after. I was asked to push a few times to practice, then Dr Tan was called. While waiting , the nurse "noted" baby heart decelerated. And asked me to start pushing b4 dr Tan came. Luckily , Dr Tan and her team came in shortly and took over quickly. Maybe I was too kanchiong, I pushed wrongly a few times and got scolded by Dr Tan. When I was abt to get the hang of it, Dr Tan "noted" that umblical cord is ard baby's neck. I was told to push slowly . "huh, I dunno how to push, still must control and push slowly??" I thought to myself , and tried to control my push as much as I can. Then yanyan was born. The midwife carried the boy and shoved his penis right in front of me and asked , "boy right?" :-/
As I am recalling what happened, my heart is filled with gratitude . Despite the hiccups not only during delivery, but during
the whole pregnancy, he is with me in my arms now.
Thursday, February 9, 2017
False alarm
Quite embarassing to have false alarm with third child right?
Was at the triage observation room at KKH delivery suite yesterday. All the nurse starts the q&a with, "First child?" Only FTM (first time mum will come in with just "on & off contractions" ba? To justify, I felt really uncomfortable with giddiness and nausea too... >·<
XL say I was too fixated with the idea of delivering yesterday, so my body was all messed up with the different signals, but the fact is baby and my body is not ready yet. Once I decided to let go of the idea to deliver yeaterday, there's no more uncomfortable contractions and giddiness, just tired from the whole day of waiting for something to happen.
Was at the triage observation room at KKH delivery suite yesterday. All the nurse starts the q&a with, "First child?" Only FTM (first time mum will come in with just "on & off contractions" ba? To justify, I felt really uncomfortable with giddiness and nausea too... >·<
XL say I was too fixated with the idea of delivering yesterday, so my body was all messed up with the different signals, but the fact is baby and my body is not ready yet. Once I decided to let go of the idea to deliver yeaterday, there's no more uncomfortable contractions and giddiness, just tired from the whole day of waiting for something to happen.
Yesterday's CTG
Ok, today is another new day. Its my regular appt with Dr KT Tan. She will probably check my dilation again and will have to do CTG again ... Gd luck to me .. And wish to see you soon, yanyan!
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
幻乐一场
你有看王菲的这场演唱会吗？
我第一次看王菲演唱会是2004年6月。年代之久远，我是靠google和推算才“记起”日期的。那时还是个学生。用我internship赚来的几个钱，又威胁又哄的让向岭也陪我去支持我的偶像。（因为实在没有其他人愿意陪我做如此疯狂的事）那时选了相对便宜的座位，想着以后真正工作赚钱了再买好点的座位。哪里知道一晃就12年， 第一次看王菲演唱会，竟变成最后一次！
那时其实还挺高兴的，虽然前面几首王菲也是大失水准，害我在向岭面前差点抬不起头。还好到最后王菲恢复了她的天籁歌声，终于让不欣赏王菲的向岭觉得值回票价。几年前，她又在新加坡开了演唱会，好像是我怀孕着，票价又出奇的贵，向岭好像也不在，我就没有买票去看。我以为可以买演唱会dvd在家看就好，哪里知道她连dvd都懒得出。后来想想，也许是演唱会的素质太差，不敢出dvd?
今年的演唱会，懒惰的她只开一场。票价更是贵得恶心。最便宜的竟然是人民币1800，相当于新币360！？还好她还有点菩萨心肠，加上点前卫的实验心，也做了全球同时的网路直播！这让我这个不是脑残粉又抠门的粉丝很兴奋！终于有机会可以看到王菲现场演唱了！我为了要看，这次还把姐姐和姐夫拉下水。冲着他们家的大屏幕和好音响，把孩子带去他们家。孩子玩着开心时，我们可以听听47岁的王菲唱歌。
经历漫长的等待，演唱会开始了。果不其然，王菲失以水准的演唱揭开序幕。有经验的我和向岭安慰第一次听王菲现场唱的姐姐和姐夫，“是这样的，唱几首后她就会warm up 了”。哪知半场下来她还是走音走调，越到后面越唱得力不从心。有时以为“王菲”“回来了”，可是几句后又是“惨不忍睹”的。只能一直感叹，王菲老了，王菲吸太多烟把嗓子弄坏了。只是纳闷，她自己本人不知道吗？为什么还要开演唱会呢？是她只想着赚钱吗？还是她自负自满，从来都只是随便唱唱？
忆起当初我是怎么爱上王菲的，还在读小学的我，每个星期六都会守在电视前看音乐排行榜。那时，王菲的“棋子”不知道已经得了几次冠军。我看着看着，就被一个像疯了一样，反复地割着红布的女人给吸引。她是多么的与众不同，那时我想以后长大也要和她一样，成为那么漂亮，有性格的女人。所谓偶像就是如此吧。不追星的我，不迷恋陈晓东或张信哲等男明星，成长岁月里只崇拜王菲一人。尽管我痛恨抽烟的人，王菲抽烟打麻将也没有减少我对她的喜爱。尽管她做了很多奇怪的事，唱没有歌词的歌，和如小弟弟一样的谢霆锋交往，出唱佛经的专辑等等，我对她的支持也从未减少过。
小时候喜欢的男生和很多人一样对我喜欢王菲相当鄙视。记得他说过类似“王菲就知道咿呀呀地”。可是几年前我们几个朋友聚会时被我强迫听王菲的专辑， 他说“不知道王菲唱过那么摇滚的歌”。我答说：“是啊！她就是那么走在时代的尖端。当每个人只唱抒情的芭蜡歌曲，王菲已经在唱10多年后才流行的摇滚。”
如今，她也是“走在时代的尖端”：史无前例地只开一场演唱会，票价卖得超级贵，却又免费网上直播，让成千上万的人免费听她的演唱会。这矛盾的行销也是她一贯的风格: “想迎合市场口味，又要做自己喜欢做的”。王菲没有变，她还是她，还是那么独树一格，那么高高在上却又随性平凡地做她自己。只可惜，她已经不会唱歌。
我第一次看王菲演唱会是2004年6月。年代之久远，我是靠google和推算才“记起”日期的。那时还是个学生。用我internship赚来的几个钱，又威胁又哄的让向岭也陪我去支持我的偶像。（因为实在没有其他人愿意陪我做如此疯狂的事）那时选了相对便宜的座位，想着以后真正工作赚钱了再买好点的座位。哪里知道一晃就12年， 第一次看王菲演唱会，竟变成最后一次！
那时其实还挺高兴的，虽然前面几首王菲也是大失水准，害我在向岭面前差点抬不起头。还好到最后王菲恢复了她的天籁歌声，终于让不欣赏王菲的向岭觉得值回票价。几年前，她又在新加坡开了演唱会，好像是我怀孕着，票价又出奇的贵，向岭好像也不在，我就没有买票去看。我以为可以买演唱会dvd在家看就好，哪里知道她连dvd都懒得出。后来想想，也许是演唱会的素质太差，不敢出dvd?
今年的演唱会，懒惰的她只开一场。票价更是贵得恶心。最便宜的竟然是人民币1800，相当于新币360！？还好她还有点菩萨心肠，加上点前卫的实验心，也做了全球同时的网路直播！这让我这个不是脑残粉又抠门的粉丝很兴奋！终于有机会可以看到王菲现场演唱了！我为了要看，这次还把姐姐和姐夫拉下水。冲着他们家的大屏幕和好音响，把孩子带去他们家。孩子玩着开心时，我们可以听听47岁的王菲唱歌。
经历漫长的等待，演唱会开始了。果不其然，王菲失以水准的演唱揭开序幕。有经验的我和向岭安慰第一次听王菲现场唱的姐姐和姐夫，“是这样的，唱几首后她就会warm up 了”。哪知半场下来她还是走音走调，越到后面越唱得力不从心。有时以为“王菲”“回来了”，可是几句后又是“惨不忍睹”的。只能一直感叹，王菲老了，王菲吸太多烟把嗓子弄坏了。只是纳闷，她自己本人不知道吗？为什么还要开演唱会呢？是她只想着赚钱吗？还是她自负自满，从来都只是随便唱唱？
忆起当初我是怎么爱上王菲的，还在读小学的我，每个星期六都会守在电视前看音乐排行榜。那时，王菲的“棋子”不知道已经得了几次冠军。我看着看着，就被一个像疯了一样，反复地割着红布的女人给吸引。她是多么的与众不同，那时我想以后长大也要和她一样，成为那么漂亮，有性格的女人。所谓偶像就是如此吧。不追星的我，不迷恋陈晓东或张信哲等男明星，成长岁月里只崇拜王菲一人。尽管我痛恨抽烟的人，王菲抽烟打麻将也没有减少我对她的喜爱。尽管她做了很多奇怪的事，唱没有歌词的歌，和如小弟弟一样的谢霆锋交往，出唱佛经的专辑等等，我对她的支持也从未减少过。
小时候喜欢的男生和很多人一样对我喜欢王菲相当鄙视。记得他说过类似“王菲就知道咿呀呀地”。可是几年前我们几个朋友聚会时被我强迫听王菲的专辑， 他说“不知道王菲唱过那么摇滚的歌”。我答说：“是啊！她就是那么走在时代的尖端。当每个人只唱抒情的芭蜡歌曲，王菲已经在唱10多年后才流行的摇滚。”
如今，她也是“走在时代的尖端”：史无前例地只开一场演唱会，票价卖得超级贵，却又免费网上直播，让成千上万的人免费听她的演唱会。这矛盾的行销也是她一贯的风格: “想迎合市场口味，又要做自己喜欢做的”。王菲没有变，她还是她，还是那么独树一格，那么高高在上却又随性平凡地做她自己。只可惜，她已经不会唱歌。
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