Manhattan

Recently subscribed to Netflix because I have a few mths free as a LiveUp  member. So I started watching "Suits".

The familiar buildings, bridge and streets on the show just reminds me of the times I have been there, with XL, Wanling and 小斗斗。Honestly, the memory of the trip is already fuzzy now, esp I might have been deibrately forgetting most of it.. plus my deteoriating memory ... but i wished I had remembered the place better.

Well, it's been two years. I miss you 小斗斗， my child whom I have never met. I love you.

My highly sensitive? child

Just when we thought Wanling seems to be settling down into her primary school, we started to face non-stop dramas and meltdowns with her "tantrums". It appeared suddenly sometime before CNY. And got worse after she hurt her chin during CNY. No significant events happened, she just suddenly had day and night, day after day of nonstop emotional meltdowns.

Sometimes it's because Yiling get to brush teeth first, sometimes it's because I didn't hold her hand to bring her into the toilet to bathe. Sometimes it's because she just couldn't tuck in her shirt right ( dun ask me what that means, I have no idea too), or the hair clip is not at the right position??😒.

We were at our wits end, and I have run out of all my patience to deal with all the outburst of emotions that happens every other seconds. Xl turned to one of our best friends, Google, and she pointed out that she could be a highly sensitive child.

According to this website https://www.google.com.sg/amp/s/happysensitivekids.com/2016/04/12/21-ways-to-recognise-a-highly-sensitive-child/amp/

1. Your child often puts their hands over their ears to block out loud or uncomfortable noises like sirens, alarms or DIY sounds

Yes. She does this all the time. Esp if we insist to listen to songs she doesnt like.. does this count?

1. Your child hides behind your legs or is clingy in unknown places, with unknown faces or in busy places.

All the time! Sometimes even at home!

1. Your child is sensitive and highly reactive to pain.

We thought she is just trying to exaggerate to get more attention. 

1. Your child is the one retreating to a quiet corner at a birthday party.

We thought she is just extremely shy..  

1. You face inexplicable meltdowns after a school day.

Yes! Inexplicable 

1. Your child takes time to warm up when in the company of others – even people they know well.

All the time! Though it's much better now. 

1. Your child has great difficulty getting to sleep at night and in all likelihood has probably never been the best of night time sleepers, even as a baby.

Yes yes!

1. Your child is irritated by clothes tags, sock seams or ‘scratchy’ clothes.

We thought she is just fussy 

1. Your child notices the details: if you move something in your front room, your child knows it. If you change your perfume, your child remarks on it.

Eh.. this one not so much I think... 

1. Your child cries when another child cries – or is visibly upset.They notice another person’s discomfort or feelings.

She dun really care abt others I think. But she is absolutely distressed if yankai cries non stop on car rides.

1. Your child seems to prefer quiet games and enjoys their own company.

Yes!

1. Your child is a picky eater and finds some textures and strong flavours unpalatable. definitely a picky eater !
2. A busy playground is not attractive to your child. Your child observes whilst other children tear around from the slide to the swing to the climbing frame and back again. Your child is the cautious one – assessing the situation thoroughly before jumping or climbing.

Not so much now... but Yes, when she was a toddler

1. Your child startles if you raise your voice at him.

She cries immediately when i raise my voice even just slightly

1. Your child has a strong sense of smell.

Something we couldnt understand at all... she always say toilet is very smelly but we couldnt smell a thing....

1. Teachers have told you that your child is shy, quiet or sensitive.

Yes. 

1. Grandparents tell you your child seems wise beyond her years.

Hmm ... sound more like yiling

1. Your child has a perfectionist tendency.

A trait of hers that i really cant stand.. what is tuck in shirt correctly??? 

1. Your child is not keen to perform in front of strangers. They don’t do as well in tests given my strangers as they do in the company of familiar faces.

Yes.

1. Your child is immensely curious, constantly asking deep questions that you may not have the answer to.

Hmmm sounds more like yiling! Oh no, could she be highly sensitive too???

1. Your child displays immense emotion. sometimes such deep emotion you just don’t get it.

I always dun get it...

All in all, for all the tests to check if a child is highly sensitive, she will display almost all the traits of a highly sensitive child. I think she is generally extremely sensitive to touch and smell and feelings, but not so observant and vocal. 

It is a revelation to us. Because it might be true that she is not being difficult and fussy on purpose. It might be true that her senses are indeed much more sensitive than us, so she complains about the stitches at collars on t shirt itchy, even though we couldnt even feel the stitches. It might be the truth that she really couldn't stand the smell of the toilet so she can't brush teeth in the toilet, even though we can't smell any smell at all. It may be true that she is really painful, even though Yiling only slightly bump into her? She is not trying to exaggerate so we will give her more attention. She is not trying to make our life difficult, she just really couldn't help it. 

But the next question is, what can we do? We can't be giving in to her everytime just because she is sensitive right? There should be a way we can teach her how to cope with her emos?? Haiz... 

Patience.. I need more patience.....

质问和提问

我承认我错了。

我承认我生气时，沟通方面有欠缺冷静(其实是很糟糕，一点也没有办法好好沟通)。当然无法得到很好的谅解和效果，只会让自己更生气，让对方也生气。我不是圣人啊。如果这样也要被归类为千古罪人，公平吗？只因为我生气，我就一定是错的?因为我生气，我就是坏人?因为我生气，我就是肇事者，对方就会变被害人?不管我受到多少的委屈，不论我内心多么挫折。

是的，世界就是那么不公平。失去分寸的人总是那个吃亏的人。情绪平稳，对人对事不亢不卑的总是那个把握大局的人。

我一直在反省。

是的，对错根本不重要。对彼此的心才重要。

往往生气的时候，我们总是都用质问的语气。被质问的心情总是不好的。当然被质问后，我们得到的答案都不是我们想听到的。可以参考这个文章https://positive2u.com/20171207/

比如说:
为什么做不到？
怎么会发生这种事？
你打算如何解决？
你确定是这样吗？

质问通常都是带着批判和怀疑的态度。当被质问后，都会感觉被责骂了，被不信任了，有这种负面的感觉就当然会不爽，不爽也就会出言不逊。我昨晚就被质问: "what did you do?" 深怕是自己理解能力不好，我google translate 了， 那是"你做了什么?" 我也好不逊色地反问，语气当然也不在话下。这样反复地互相质问，结果只是互相伤害，加深彼此的不信任。

好啦，那该怎么提问呢?

我觉得那是超级高情商的人才能时时做到的。

提问的范例问句：

是什么原因导致这样的结果呢？
如果要避免这样的状况，我们要注意什么？
对案子目前的状况，你有什么感受？
如果依你的想法做这件事，你的建议会是什么？

我现在知道为什么我的女儿们都常常发脾气了。连我长这么大的人都没有办法做到的，他们年纪小小的我怎么能要求她们做到呢?

好啦，既然对错不重要，那要凭什么衡量对方的心呢? 是只坚持自己没做错的人比较少那份心吗?没有静下心来聆听对方说什么，只专注抓对方的错处然后大肆渲染来证明自己的人比较少那份心吗?是只一味替自己辩护的人比较少那份心吗？是一直用言语或行动伤害对方比较少那份心吗?

是啊， 如果有心就会多点聆听，少些辩解。提问就自然而然会问出口的。只要有真正聆听就应该不会有没法沟通这件事。

心死，就是从嘴巴闭上， 无法沟通的时候开始的事。

Fights

Am i an unreasonable person? Am I a tyrant who always want to be right? I think sooner or later i will be convinced by Xl that i am. 

Its not easy for me to be a yes wife, agree with the husband everything and anything he says. Its really difficult to not say out when i am upset. Its really hard for me. So does this make me an unreasonable person? A tyrant who force everyone to agree with me? 

15 Jan 2018

I didnt bring pump to work today.

Its exactly one month before Yankai's 1 year old birthday.

I am not sure how exactly i am going to weane off, because naughty boy still wakes up every 2 or 3 hours at night to feed like a newborn... but maybe i am just gonna selfishly stop pump in the day. Coz its just too demoralizing to have nothing after punping for an hour ... 😥

My breastfeeding career...

After an hour plus of squeezing and pumping, this is all i got.... i tried to comfort myself, maybe its because i did not drink enough water, maybe its because i am hungry...but i know, my breastfeeding career is coming to an end. After falling sick, both me and baby consecutively for a few times, after the sydney trip, after my period came... its imminent that my supply has dropped and is not coming back... i did not try hard enough too.. its just too tiring. I know its coming and planning for it to happen, but when the reality hit hard i still couldnt take it. I sat down in the nursing room alone and cried. I have failed, failed to perservere to a full year, i have been selfish and only thought about myself. I cried, because this is the final end. No more holding baby in my arms, close to me at my breast and my heart. This is the end, the final end of my breastfeeding career.

Update: i went to Sydney alone!

I left baby at home, again.

First, i left him at home and went for a girlfriend trip to Seoul when he's 3mth old. Now i left him at home and go for a "solo" trip to Sydney, when he's 9mth old.

I struggled a lot to decide if i shud bring him along for this trip, because i missed him so miserably during the last trip to Seoul. But the thought to cope alone for an 8 hr flight is so daunting. And to be alone with him ALL the time... i nv considered myself a gd full time mum... i kinda need ALOT of "me time". 😐

As the trip drew closer, our whole family fell sick.. esp the baby.. i had to take care of him whole night, as he could not sleep well with fever coming back and forth and could not breathe well with stuffy nose.. his sisters fell sick one after another too.. i really felt i need a break! A break from all the mummy duties.. so i decided, i am to go alone, alone to drink and eat and do all the things i could do without kids!

So here is some of the things i did/eat/drink:

Yummilicious burger with beer at a bar

Beer again at Bondi Beach

Sight seeing at the harbour

Brunch with Australian coffee

Seafood at Fish Market

Some really good quality Australian steak

A lot of shopping! Who knows Sydney is such a gd place to shop!?

And of course, some quality time( finally) with the mister 

Did i regret going without baby this time?... erm.. not really.. haha.. although i still missed the little ones dearly, and being alone is lonely and boring sometimes.. blocked ducts from not being able to pump as frequent as i should be is also quite painful too.. but i really did enjoy shopping with just a purse, the freedom to roam around with no weights is really liberating! And also to be able to in places i could not have went if i had a baby in tow.. the long walks, the bars and steakhouse..