爱情.快乐.幸福

幸福是靠自己争取， 而从不会是从天而降的。
快乐是自己决定，而从不会是别人给的。
爱情是需要经营，而从不会是一见钟情就能天长地久的。

很多人都同意，有了爱情就会比较幸福，有了幸福就会快乐。

可是奇怪的是，爱情是需要彼此依赖的。

爱情需要经营，要互相依靠，要彼此信任所以必须彼此依赖。可是依赖着对方，快乐就不能只靠自己决定，幸福也不能靠一个人争取。是不是因为这样，幸福总是那么如履薄冰，一脚踩错就会掉进无底深渊?

有些人说，如果可以爱得绝对，不计付出，完全信任，就不会有所谓的谁付出的多，还是谁要求太多，还是谁过头太远，谁忘了看着谁，谁让爱变沉重诸如此类的不快乐。

有些人说要知足。不要比较，不要计较，要惜福，要满足。可是我的怎么确定我的爱是值得我去付出的，是值得我去牺牲的? 除了对我的小孩的爱，我是自私的。我没有办法爱的无怨无悔，没有办法我有任何可能像个傻子一样地爱着。

我要快乐。我要能睡得安稳。
我要的幸福，谁能告诉我该怎么才能紧紧握住?

一块木头?

他是一块木头吗？还是只是take me for granted?

下星期是我们的结婚纪念日。我等到4天之前他还是没有任何表示， 我就问他， 星期二我们会做什么吗？他只是淡淡地说"哦，我忘了。又不是十年还是什么特别的。"

我们为了一件事争吵。我质问他，身为我的老公，每次都不站在我这边，也都不从我的立场为我考虑，你不惭愧吗? 他竟然笑了笑(是在嘲笑我吗？)说"不会啊"。

我们吃午餐，那个地方没有baby chair,我得抱着晏楷吃。又要喂晏晏又要抱着他，我根本都没办法好好吃。他一边悠闲地聊着天，一边慢慢地吃他的午餐。即使吃完了，也没有要帮忙的意思， 继续说着他要说的话，根本无视我的困难。

我很累了。如果每次都要为了基本的尊重，和夫妻本该有的互相扶持，都要搞到筋疲力尽，还是像贴在冷屁股一样被羞辱， 何苦?

给你的情书

依偎在你身旁
闻着你的汗臭味
一种熟悉的感觉

想要和你一样安然入睡

把和我手心几乎一样大小
你的小脚丫
轻轻地放在我手上
这时刚好
你的小手
轻轻地搭在我的脸颊

你
像是我身体的一部分
又是另一个不同的个体

随着你的呼吸
你
慢慢地离开我长大
又慢慢的窝心地暖进我心里

那个爱笑的你
那个爱生气的你
那个爱耍别人逗别人笑的你
若干年后
读到这为你写的情书
还会爱我吗？

The night Earth moved - Change do happen

我知道有句说法: 唯一不变的是， 一切永远都在变。只有新马的政府从不会变，至少昨晚之前是如此。我们独立以来，我们就是一个从没换过政府的民主国家。一党独大是我这一辈人很习惯的政治环境，甚至是理所当然，也是理应当然。一党独大等于政治稳定，政治稳定就等于经济繁荣。至少我们从小被灌输的概念是如此。

在全世界都渴望变化的大环境下; 英国投票离开了欧盟，美国投票选择了特郎谱，就连马国也一夜间换了政府，新加坡有一天也会吗？

马国人对于他们家乡选举的热情，一直以来都让我很感动的。我认识很多马来西亚朋友，常常都是排除万难只为了贡献他们的那一份微薄的力量。有一个远在中国工作，结婚生子了，也为了投票，放下工作，不管临时买机票有多贵都要搭飞机就为了投那一票。当然我也认识一些已经放弃了。他们说政府连关灯变魔术这种卑劣的手段都可以有，那个国家已经没有希望了。可是他们不回去投票，都是经过和父母激烈"讨论"后，才得到批准的。可见，大部分的马来西亚人对于选举时多么的认真。

在新加坡呢? 新加坡的明天会有变化吗？

再别斗斗

悄悄的你走了
正如你悄悄的来
你挥一挥衣袖
不带走一片云彩

Manhattan

Recently subscribed to Netflix because I have a few mths free as a LiveUp  member. So I started watching "Suits".

The familiar buildings, bridge and streets on the show just reminds me of the times I have been there, with XL, Wanling and 小斗斗。Honestly, the memory of the trip is already fuzzy now, esp I might have been deibrately forgetting most of it.. plus my deteoriating memory ... but i wished I had remembered the place better.

Well, it's been two years. I miss you 小斗斗， my child whom I have never met. I love you.

My highly sensitive? child

Just when we thought Wanling seems to be settling down into her primary school, we started to face non-stop dramas and meltdowns with her "tantrums". It appeared suddenly sometime before CNY. And got worse after she hurt her chin during CNY. No significant events happened, she just suddenly had day and night, day after day of nonstop emotional meltdowns.

Sometimes it's because Yiling get to brush teeth first, sometimes it's because I didn't hold her hand to bring her into the toilet to bathe. Sometimes it's because she just couldn't tuck in her shirt right ( dun ask me what that means, I have no idea too), or the hair clip is not at the right position??😒.

We were at our wits end, and I have run out of all my patience to deal with all the outburst of emotions that happens every other seconds. Xl turned to one of our best friends, Google, and she pointed out that she could be a highly sensitive child.

According to this website https://www.google.com.sg/amp/s/happysensitivekids.com/2016/04/12/21-ways-to-recognise-a-highly-sensitive-child/amp/

1. Your child often puts their hands over their ears to block out loud or uncomfortable noises like sirens, alarms or DIY sounds

Yes. She does this all the time. Esp if we insist to listen to songs she doesnt like.. does this count?

1. Your child hides behind your legs or is clingy in unknown places, with unknown faces or in busy places.

All the time! Sometimes even at home!

1. Your child is sensitive and highly reactive to pain.

We thought she is just trying to exaggerate to get more attention. 

1. Your child is the one retreating to a quiet corner at a birthday party.

We thought she is just extremely shy..  

1. You face inexplicable meltdowns after a school day.

Yes! Inexplicable 

1. Your child takes time to warm up when in the company of others – even people they know well.

All the time! Though it's much better now. 

1. Your child has great difficulty getting to sleep at night and in all likelihood has probably never been the best of night time sleepers, even as a baby.

Yes yes!

1. Your child is irritated by clothes tags, sock seams or ‘scratchy’ clothes.

We thought she is just fussy 

1. Your child notices the details: if you move something in your front room, your child knows it. If you change your perfume, your child remarks on it.

Eh.. this one not so much I think... 

1. Your child cries when another child cries – or is visibly upset.They notice another person’s discomfort or feelings.

She dun really care abt others I think. But she is absolutely distressed if yankai cries non stop on car rides.

1. Your child seems to prefer quiet games and enjoys their own company.

Yes!

1. Your child is a picky eater and finds some textures and strong flavours unpalatable. definitely a picky eater !
2. A busy playground is not attractive to your child. Your child observes whilst other children tear around from the slide to the swing to the climbing frame and back again. Your child is the cautious one – assessing the situation thoroughly before jumping or climbing.

Not so much now... but Yes, when she was a toddler

1. Your child startles if you raise your voice at him.

She cries immediately when i raise my voice even just slightly

1. Your child has a strong sense of smell.

Something we couldnt understand at all... she always say toilet is very smelly but we couldnt smell a thing....

1. Teachers have told you that your child is shy, quiet or sensitive.

Yes. 

1. Grandparents tell you your child seems wise beyond her years.

Hmm ... sound more like yiling

1. Your child has a perfectionist tendency.

A trait of hers that i really cant stand.. what is tuck in shirt correctly??? 

1. Your child is not keen to perform in front of strangers. They don’t do as well in tests given my strangers as they do in the company of familiar faces.

Yes.

1. Your child is immensely curious, constantly asking deep questions that you may not have the answer to.

Hmmm sounds more like yiling! Oh no, could she be highly sensitive too???

1. Your child displays immense emotion. sometimes such deep emotion you just don’t get it.

I always dun get it...

All in all, for all the tests to check if a child is highly sensitive, she will display almost all the traits of a highly sensitive child. I think she is generally extremely sensitive to touch and smell and feelings, but not so observant and vocal. 

It is a revelation to us. Because it might be true that she is not being difficult and fussy on purpose. It might be true that her senses are indeed much more sensitive than us, so she complains about the stitches at collars on t shirt itchy, even though we couldnt even feel the stitches. It might be the truth that she really couldn't stand the smell of the toilet so she can't brush teeth in the toilet, even though we can't smell any smell at all. It may be true that she is really painful, even though Yiling only slightly bump into her? She is not trying to exaggerate so we will give her more attention. She is not trying to make our life difficult, she just really couldn't help it. 

But the next question is, what can we do? We can't be giving in to her everytime just because she is sensitive right? There should be a way we can teach her how to cope with her emos?? Haiz... 

Patience.. I need more patience.....