质问和提问

我承认我错了。

我承认我生气时，沟通方面有欠缺冷静(其实是很糟糕，一点也没有办法好好沟通)。当然无法得到很好的谅解和效果，只会让自己更生气，让对方也生气。我不是圣人啊。如果这样也要被归类为千古罪人，公平吗？只因为我生气，我就一定是错的?因为我生气，我就是坏人?因为我生气，我就是肇事者，对方就会变被害人?不管我受到多少的委屈，不论我内心多么挫折。

是的，世界就是那么不公平。失去分寸的人总是那个吃亏的人。情绪平稳，对人对事不亢不卑的总是那个把握大局的人。

我一直在反省。

是的，对错根本不重要。对彼此的心才重要。

往往生气的时候，我们总是都用质问的语气。被质问的心情总是不好的。当然被质问后，我们得到的答案都不是我们想听到的。可以参考这个文章https://positive2u.com/20171207/

比如说:
为什么做不到？
怎么会发生这种事？
你打算如何解决？
你确定是这样吗？

质问通常都是带着批判和怀疑的态度。当被质问后，都会感觉被责骂了，被不信任了，有这种负面的感觉就当然会不爽，不爽也就会出言不逊。我昨晚就被质问: "what did you do?" 深怕是自己理解能力不好，我google translate 了， 那是"你做了什么?" 我也好不逊色地反问，语气当然也不在话下。这样反复地互相质问，结果只是互相伤害，加深彼此的不信任。

好啦，那该怎么提问呢?

我觉得那是超级高情商的人才能时时做到的。

提问的范例问句：

是什么原因导致这样的结果呢？
如果要避免这样的状况，我们要注意什么？
对案子目前的状况，你有什么感受？
如果依你的想法做这件事，你的建议会是什么？

我现在知道为什么我的女儿们都常常发脾气了。连我长这么大的人都没有办法做到的，他们年纪小小的我怎么能要求她们做到呢?

好啦，既然对错不重要，那要凭什么衡量对方的心呢? 是只坚持自己没做错的人比较少那份心吗?没有静下心来聆听对方说什么，只专注抓对方的错处然后大肆渲染来证明自己的人比较少那份心吗?是只一味替自己辩护的人比较少那份心吗？是一直用言语或行动伤害对方比较少那份心吗?

是啊， 如果有心就会多点聆听，少些辩解。提问就自然而然会问出口的。只要有真正聆听就应该不会有没法沟通这件事。

心死，就是从嘴巴闭上， 无法沟通的时候开始的事。

Fights

Am i an unreasonable person? Am I a tyrant who always want to be right? I think sooner or later i will be convinced by Xl that i am. 

Its not easy for me to be a yes wife, agree with the husband everything and anything he says. Its really difficult to not say out when i am upset. Its really hard for me. So does this make me an unreasonable person? A tyrant who force everyone to agree with me? 

15 Jan 2018

I didnt bring pump to work today.

Its exactly one month before Yankai's 1 year old birthday.

I am not sure how exactly i am going to weane off, because naughty boy still wakes up every 2 or 3 hours at night to feed like a newborn... but maybe i am just gonna selfishly stop pump in the day. Coz its just too demoralizing to have nothing after punping for an hour ... 😥

My breastfeeding career...

After an hour plus of squeezing and pumping, this is all i got.... i tried to comfort myself, maybe its because i did not drink enough water, maybe its because i am hungry...but i know, my breastfeeding career is coming to an end. After falling sick, both me and baby consecutively for a few times, after the sydney trip, after my period came... its imminent that my supply has dropped and is not coming back... i did not try hard enough too.. its just too tiring. I know its coming and planning for it to happen, but when the reality hit hard i still couldnt take it. I sat down in the nursing room alone and cried. I have failed, failed to perservere to a full year, i have been selfish and only thought about myself. I cried, because this is the final end. No more holding baby in my arms, close to me at my breast and my heart. This is the end, the final end of my breastfeeding career.

Update: i went to Sydney alone!

I left baby at home, again.

First, i left him at home and went for a girlfriend trip to Seoul when he's 3mth old. Now i left him at home and go for a "solo" trip to Sydney, when he's 9mth old.

I struggled a lot to decide if i shud bring him along for this trip, because i missed him so miserably during the last trip to Seoul. But the thought to cope alone for an 8 hr flight is so daunting. And to be alone with him ALL the time... i nv considered myself a gd full time mum... i kinda need ALOT of "me time". 😐

As the trip drew closer, our whole family fell sick.. esp the baby.. i had to take care of him whole night, as he could not sleep well with fever coming back and forth and could not breathe well with stuffy nose.. his sisters fell sick one after another too.. i really felt i need a break! A break from all the mummy duties.. so i decided, i am to go alone, alone to drink and eat and do all the things i could do without kids!

So here is some of the things i did/eat/drink:

Yummilicious burger with beer at a bar

Beer again at Bondi Beach

Sight seeing at the harbour

Brunch with Australian coffee

Seafood at Fish Market

Some really good quality Australian steak

A lot of shopping! Who knows Sydney is such a gd place to shop!?

And of course, some quality time( finally) with the mister 

Did i regret going without baby this time?... erm.. not really.. haha.. although i still missed the little ones dearly, and being alone is lonely and boring sometimes.. blocked ducts from not being able to pump as frequent as i should be is also quite painful too.. but i really did enjoy shopping with just a purse, the freedom to roam around with no weights is really liberating! And also to be able to in places i could not have went if i had a baby in tow.. the long walks, the bars and steakhouse..

Hong Kong 2017 with family

We just came back from Hong Kong. It's the first time 5 of us (first time flying for baby yan) plus my in laws.

On hindsight, i think we must be mad to bring the kids to hong kong for a week! Really, we should just stick to 3 days and disneyland only. The delicious hong kong food has no appeal to them at all, and we have to really go through A LOT to bring them to these places to have the "good food"
 So, in conclusion, travelling with kids is absolutely different when travelling alone.
Travelling with kids shoud really be go to a point ( exciting enough for them), play and play, then go home. Food is not important, play is more important to them, walking and waiting is a chore.

But of course, i have no regrets. We already expect a tiring trip, but the bonding time we had together, and the memories we have shared are worth the trouble!

At our "holiday house" at hong kong.

And we went to the highly anticipated disneyland too. Lucky kids all of you, get to experience the disney magic at such a young age! 

Effective communication

I am very into a china show call super nanny recently. I shared the clip to xl and told him the things i am learning from the show. But he didnt bother to watch it at all.

After watching a few episodes of the show, i realised no matter what problem the parents were facing with their kids, the conclusion of the problem is always it's the parents fault. It's a great revelation for me. I face problems with my kids too. And i am always searching the way or method i can do to correct them. But more often than not, our kid's behavior is the result of our own actions. So if we don't change first, no matter what method we use, will not work.

For example, wanling often has emotion meltdowns. Her main means of communication is to cry. We have tried all ways to make her understand crying is not correct. But it doesnt work. Even if she after calming down, and admit that crying is wrong, next time when she faces a rejection from us, or
 doesnt get what she wants, she will still cry.

There are many similar cases in the show, of kids crying and shouting and throwing tantrums. Most of the time, it is because the child do not know any other means to express themselves. They do not know because they were not taught how to communicate effectively. Ànd most of the time, the parents do not know how to communicate effectively too, includes setting bad examples to the child when they communicate to other members of the family  ( like their own parents or their spouse  or even to the child). I reflected, i think it is true for my own case. I couldnt identify my own emotions most of the time too, and when i am overwhelmed with negativè emotions i also dont know how to handle the negative emotions i am feeling. And when it happens to wanling, of course i am unable to teach her effectively how to handle her own emotions. So i tried to handle her. I demanded her to be quiet, to listen to my instructions. But, a child is a seperate individual with her own feelings and thoughts. It is unreasonable to expect our child to behave ecactly the way we want her to behave, as if she is a robot we programmed.

So i tried to implement the changes in myself and the way i communicate with her, and also with xl. However, like just now, xl do not agree with some of the things i did. And we had an argument. I tried to talk to him calmly and explain properly my rationale and logic. But he is inclined to end the conversation to agree to disagree. He said, he will say sorry because i always force him to agree with what i think or do, and he only say sorry because he dun wan me to be angry, but sometimes things is not always right and wrong. While i do agree that not all things has a clear right and wrong, because things may be different from different perspective. But when we are talking about discipline, it should be a clear line of right and wrong isn't it? If there is "in different scenario sometimes some behavior is acceptable but in some scenario the same behavior is not acceptable",  how will a child know what she did is right or wrong? And everytime when xl disagree with me, he will always bring out his fav pet line to agree to disagree.

I am always left speechless and with no closure after we have to agree to disagree. I am reflecting now. Am i unreasonable that i always force people to agree with me? Or i am only trying to seek an answer but he refuse to face the conflict? He says he understand where i am coming from, but he cannot agree. Is this even possible? Does it even make sense that everytime we are in a disagreement, it is always that nobody is wrong, it is just different perspective? Or he is never wrong. I am always forcing him to agree with me just because i will be angry if he disagree with me?

Even today, i already talked and explain to him in a calm way, slow and soft voice. He still gave me the same conclusion. He would like to end of the conversation to agree to disagree. Why? Why is it so hard for him to agree with me? Is it really me? Is it true that i have to force him to agree with me and cannot see from his point of view? I really dont think so! If he had brought up a valid point i would agree with him. If i did something wrong i do say sorry to him before too! But when it comes to some things that i feel is logical and correct, but is different from what he feel, he will want to agree to disagree. When we disagree, i am always the person who is 无理取闹.  Sometimes somethings really do have an absolute right or wrong isnt it? Or at least we can agree to see from same perspective next time when same things were to happen again? i am really feeling helpless, frustrated and confused.