自信- 与追逐梦想理想的勇气

我有个朋友，最近为了她的理想而努力，却有许多自己质疑自己的声音常常困扰着她。我们朋友之间都一直对她自己否定自己的行为很不解。因为我们看到的她，是绝对行的,她就是对自己不太自信。然后她们就说，我是我们当中最自信的。我心虚的回应，我也有自己的不自信，也许只是乐天派一些，也许是少根筋一些罢了。她们对我的说辞，一笑置之，只觉得我是谦虚而已。可是这是真的。

记得小时候，我总自己暗自和姐姐比。小时候，每个星期日我们俩姐妹会轮流到山东药行值班。每当店里打工的阿姨们在后面窃窃私语时，我都会臆想她们是在拿我和姐姐比，在评论我们俩谁比较勤劳，比较会跟路过的阿姨们攀谈和卖红枣，还是谁比较会把货物摆的更好看些等等。或者阿嬷带我们去剪头发时，我也会想，剪头发的阿姨是不是在比较我们姐妹谁比较乖，谁头发比较好剪。诸如此类，无聊的比较像是心魔一样地常常在我脑里上演。也许因为这些比较真的很无聊，除了鞭策自己时时刻刻都要表演得像个乖宝宝之外，从小少根筋的我还是过的非常无忧无虑，开开心心地。真真的打击是许在小六会考后。

姐姐的小六会考考得非常好，好到是全校女状元的那种好。我为她感到非常骄傲。比她小一岁的我自然也会向她看齐。可是脑里那爱做戏的恶魔还是时不时跑出来讥讽我几句。其实我那时也很莫名地觉得我也可以考的很好。乐天派的个性也让我对于读书，总是抱着得过且过，顺其自然的态度。虽然觉得自己可以考得好，却没有什么实际的行动实现这个想法。所以非常意外地（其实是理所当然地），以一分之差与我理想的中学失之交臂。考不上的我有点失望，但很快地安慰自己没关系，在普通中学我也能在中四会考考好的，嗯…只要多努力一点。可是我的父亲却看不下去，托着关系在开学前把我转了学校。我当时对他这种走后门的行为是感到不耻，也在一开始觉得自卑-觉得自己不配在那所学校上课，同学的成绩都比我好，都是正儿八经的凭实力考进来，而我只是个走后门的。好一阵子我都不敢站直腰板交朋友。可是这也让我更下定决心要把成绩搞好，像小时候逼着自己要当个乖宝宝那双无形的手，现在每天都摁在我头上要证明自己配得上和班上的同学一起上课。当然也包括那个无聊的爱和姐姐攀比的恶魔，也一直在“督促”我中四会考再也不能考得比姐姐差了。

虽然上学之前豪言壮志，其实我中一一整年都过得浑浑噩噩。小学只读普通华文的我，突然变成读高级华文- 我第一次在我自我感觉良好的华文课拿到人生中第一个60分的作文，而且还得到了华文老师非常恶劣的评语。小学学业一向还可以的，突然在多项科目都拿到我从来没有拿到过的分数。可幸的是，我认识了一帮非常棒，非常优秀的朋友。有华文超级棒的，介绍我读很多好故事书，教我怎么写好作文的好朋友。也有数学，科学超级棒的朋友让我见识到什么是兴趣爱好可以超越一切，知识的海洋是如此旷广无限，还有什么叫”think out of the box”的创意。还有方方面面，学业，课外活动，领导能力样样优秀的学姐，让我见识怎么以理服人，怎么和老师沟通又能说服同学把难事都办好。还有才华横溢的朋友们，有不止会自弹自唱，还会自己为我们的华乐乐队编曲在学校表演活动表演的朋友，还有下会下棋，上会认天上所有星星的天才学长。我的中学生涯，因为他们过得肆意潇洒，多彩多姿。因为他们，我没有空自我怀疑，也没有理由自怨自艾。是他们给了我追逐理想去努力的勇气。和他们在一起，让我觉得天空没有极限。

另一方面，在我成长的岁月里，我的父母在大部分时间缺席下，也给了我绝对的自由。那时他们也在为他们的梦想努力。我几乎每天都看不到他们的，我睡着时，他们的店还没关，他们就也还没下班；我上学时他们还没醒。周末他们也是工作的。可以说他们在我的学生时代是缺席的。这很大程度成就了我独立，自由的个性。也让我在成长中可以自我摸索，自我感知世界，在我那肆意的青春岁月中可以无所顾忌地慢慢形成我略显“自信”的自己。

后来我也随着自己慢慢成熟，开始可以接受不完美的自己，开始可以理解有得必有失的道理，和自己慢慢和解。在写着这篇文章的时候，我突然领悟到我的不自信，很多时候都是源自于觉得自己不配。所以我要时时刻刻提醒自己，千万不要让我孩子有不配感，让他们觉得一切且可能，天空无极限。虽然很难，但我努力💪

我的阿嬷

 不知道为什么，有可能是我老了，也看到父母也老了，我最近一直想起我的阿嬷。

我是阿嬷带大的小孩。我印象中的阿嬷，在我有记忆的时候，就已经是老人了。可是其实她那时才不过50初岁而已。即使是老人，我也一直觉得她是位漂亮的老太太。她总是穿着她那个年代的妇人都会穿的，用轻薄舒服的布料的套装，衣服的上下身都是同样花色。每一件都是每年临近新年的时候，她精心挑选的。花色虽然复杂且别致，颜色都是以雅致的蓝，青，灰为主，也有喜庆时候会穿的比较鲜艳的偏蓝的紫色。她不喜长发，所以都是留着定期去电地像贵妇一样的卷短发。她的脸虽已不满皱纹，可是五官是深邃，有高鼻梁，慈眉善目的大眼睛，还有总是似是微笑的薄唇。她也很高，我记得我小时候就是以阿嬷为目标地长高的。我们家里并不富裕，我的童年都是一家老小8个人挤在小小的3方式祖屋长大的。可是如果跟我说，阿嬷是古时候富贵人家的小姐，我都会信。

身为阿嬷带大的小孩，我是幸福地长大的。她对我和姐姐极好。我至今都是非常怀念她煮的大菜饭，她新年会做的黄梨饼，端午节会做的粽子，甚至平常的肉丸汤，也会常常怀念她会买给我们的小点心，比如糕点啊，软糖啊。。。（是的，我是个吃货）我也会想念和她一起看电视的下午时光，安逸，自由，温暖。

阿嬷除了在家照顾我们，煮好吃的东西给我们，她也有很多朋友。我对阿嬷的交际能力非常敬佩。她可以和楼下的其他阿嬷们，每个人用不同语言，方言侃侃聊天。邻居的阿姨们也都很喜欢和她交往。我也没有看过或听说她有与睡交恶。遇到谁家有困难，她能所能及的话都会帮忙，送菜送报纸过去啊，还是煮多点东西拿去给住在附近的朋友。听说阿嬷火化后，有许多的舍利子。大人们都说她是个大善人，所以才会有那么许多的舍利子。那时，我努力地回想阿嬷有做什么惊天动地的大善举，想到的都是她路过巴士站旁卖纸巾的老婆婆，会让我们拿着她的零钱去跟老婆婆买，或者是路上有人来募捐时，她都会来者不拒。在地铁或巴士上，有人让位给她，她都会和善地和他们道谢。她也许不是什么大慈善家，可是她的善举都是从生活上的点点滴滴，无数小小的向陌生人和周围的人发出的善意。

长大后和小时候就认识的朋友聊起，我很惊讶地发现，我朋友对阿嬷的印象，都是慈祥和蔼的老太太。他们到我家玩的时候，阿嬷总是和蔼可亲，慷慨地让他们多吃多喝，说话也是轻声细语地，脸上也总是微笑开心，让人很容易亲近，也像是很好相处的老人家。这和我印象中的她有点出入。我记忆中的她，是不开心的。她总是会在我和姐姐面前，埋怨妈妈的各种不足，也会批评帮佣煮的饭有多不好吃。我的印象是，她是个很难伺候的，怎么做她都会不满意的。即使她一直都是我敬爱的亲爱的阿嬷，我在她身边也会小心翼翼，生怕会触碰她的逆鳞惹她不快。

后来长大了，我才渐渐能体会，为什么长得漂亮，打扮精致，和善和蔼的阿嬷，怎么会常常不开心。也许是住在同个屋檐下无可避免的婆媳紧张关系，加上儿子无作为的袖手旁观，还有她随着年纪渐长，对自己在家庭里的贡献没有自信的反抗。如果重来一次，如果小时候的我有现在做人的智慧，也许我可以给予阿嬷更多的爱和关心。她就可以不管在外，或在家，都能随心地做她自己，那个善良充满爱心的她。

It's Okay to be Not Okay

我最讨厌别人跟我说“It's fine". 我从小就不是一个喜欢随便将就的人，常常会固执到底，在父母眼中应该是个让人头疼不听话的小孩吧。

上个星期对别家小孩来说是学校假期，对我们来说是比赛期。一周比赛后，周六回家吃饭时，在饭桌上，妈妈苦口婆心地和婉玲说，“你要学会自己去比赛，训练。以前你们阿姨中学打英式女篮时，都是自己去训练，自己去比赛，我们都不知道也不用带的。” 她的阿姨，我的姐姐这周六刚好和姐夫和小孩们去度假没有来。我知道妈妈是好心，想要鼓励婉玲更自立些，可是我却被莫名地“点燃”，“戳中”： “姐姐几时有打比赛？她有参加学校比赛？我怎么一点印象都没有！”我质问。是啊，我们家就是这样，看似亲密无间，却一直都那么疏离，连姐姐中学时参加什么课外活动我也不知道。弟弟和妈妈就唱双簧似地互相作证，而我仍坚持不信。然后我就看着向岭偷笑地看我们一家的笑话，这场闹剧在我说我会去问姐姐后结束。

其实不止妈妈说婉玲应该要自己去训练，不应该那么依赖我接送，我的朋友也那么说，我自己也那么讲。只是妈妈的说法很让我不爽。英式女篮打比赛，也不需要扛着装着2-3粒12-14磅的球的又大又重的保龄球包，有什么可比性？还有凭什么妈妈在我们成长岁月中的缺席中，仅仅只记得姐姐有参加英式女篮球比赛和训练，而不记得我自己是怎么扛着我又大又重的中阮去训练，去表演（而且不止是在中学时期，一直到大学都是！）？而且她这些还是对我的女儿说的，像是值得她骄傲的只有姐姐而已，自立独立的只有姐姐而已。我呢？

回家后，我不屈不挠地追问在度假的大姐。果然她真的在中一，中二时有参加过学校的英式女篮球（妈妈对她的关注是真的，而且她常常和年纪较小的弟弟提起，所以弟弟也知道，就只有我没良心地什么都不记得），可是后来就退出了。除了这个，她中学时还参加书法学会。书法这个我倒是有印象，毕竟姐姐当时参加许多书法比赛有得到冠军的。果然是要成绩好才能被人记住。

得到答案后，我仍觉得十分烦躁，一整夜都睡不安稳。隔天一早就起来游泳。当我在泳池里奋力游时，想到这件事，眼泪就不自主地刷刷往下流。我想要随着我努力向前游的速度，让泳池里的水带走我不争气的泪水。不一会儿，我就发现不管我游得多快，泳池里的水都带不走我的泪水，它们只会积累在我的泳镜里。 这时我想起最近在重看的韩剧“It's okay to be not okay" 里的一段故事中说的：“痛苦难受的记忆，深感后悔的记忆，伤害他人与被人伤害的记忆，被抛弃的记忆，唯有将这些记忆埋藏在内心深处过活的人才能变得更坚强，更热情，更有韧性。”

故事里的角色都是一些心里有缺陷的人，其中男主角的哥哥是智力有缺陷，有自闭症的大人。从小妈妈就教导身为弟弟的他，要帮忙照顾哥哥，保护哥哥，甚至还说妈妈就是为了让你照顾哥哥才把你生下的。所以他会质问，难道对父母来说，小孩一定要有用吗？可是还是兢兢业业地在母亲去世后（他那时都还只是小孩），一直都照顾着哥哥，把照顾哥哥当成他人生最重要的事。他一直要逃离让他和哥哥不开心的回忆，可是怎么也不开心幸福。

成长中所受的伤痛，总是最伤人的。以为自己把它深深地藏进心里深处，再把自己多年累积的面具勤勤恳恳地带着，就能骗过所有人“I am fine"。可是每当我们最亲近的人，轻轻地，无意地在我们的心里扎下一刀，这个伤口就会马上发脓爆发。于是我努力地又游多几圈，直到太阳升起。无情的阳光刺进我双眼，蒸发我眼中的泪。我安慰自己：“It's okay，I am fine." 然后结束我早上的运动，回家继续努力当个好妈妈。

我的小孩竟然陪我一起看完40集的中文戏！

“没有了？”和小孩们一起看完最后一集的《斗罗大陆》，随着小舞的泪落入沙中长出一颗小苗然后熟悉的片尾曲响起时，大女儿不禁失望地感叹。

这是我第一次和女儿们一起从头到尾完完整整地追完40集的剧，而且还是中文连续剧！这对于从小浸濡在英语大环境下的这两个小孩来说，是个大举。我很开心终于有一个充满热血，三观很正，又有可以吸引小孩的玄幻的中文戏，让小孩们愿意和我一起看。这两个月我们跟着可以化身成为兔子、老虎等，可爱又有法力的史莱克七怪，一路成长克服困难。一个星期看两三集，晚上偶尔读着小说陪她们入睡，这两个月应该会成为她们很珍贵的童年回忆吧？

我从小是个电视迷，最快乐的时光就是下午放学后和奶奶一起看电视了，这也是我回忆起奶奶时最温馨的时光。听中文，说中文，看中文书对于我来说是那么地自然。但随着时代变迁，尽管我也尽力地让孩子们接触华文华语，但他们说的，爱看的，终究是英语的是卡通片，书籍。

当《斗罗大陆》剧集还未播出时，小朋友看我总是捧着《斗罗大陆》的电子书，废寝忘食地看着，就好奇地问我在读什么。我就会声会影地叙述斗罗大陆世界里的奇幻世界。有双武魂的唐三，能够用别人认为最没有用的蓝银草成为最强控制师。蓝银草不止可以困住敌人，还可以帮队友脱离困境。还有小舞，是最可爱的兔子，可是却能够用威力最强的八段摔，重重地把坏人摔出场外。她们也很爱，原本被其他小朋友取笑，可是私下比谁都努力奋斗的食物系魂师的奥斯卡。故事以轻松、好笑的方式展示个个不一样，不完美的年轻人，聚在一起后，学会团队精神，学会克服自己的缺点，然后一起成长，一起战胜敌人。这也深深地吸引了这两不爱中文的小孩。当我向她们宣布《斗罗大陆》影视版将要播出时，她们也和我一样兴奋不已。

我很庆幸，《斗罗大陆》影视版没有让我们失望。虽然影视版有稍稍改编了一些小说情节，但小说中的热血和奇幻还是淋漓尽致地被具象化，被展示出来。好几次，我们都看得停不下来。当唐三遇到强大的魂兽，陷入困境，我们的心也像是被揪住，提起，完全无法放松下来。当七怪一起合力，打败实力看起来比他们还强的队伍，赢得比赛后，我们也仿佛置身于比赛场外为他们高声欢呼、庆祝。这部剧，虽然不是完美没有近几年大陆剧常有的粗制滥造，没有过于煽情的感情戏。只有少年该有的热血和努力，也有玄幻剧该有的悬疑和奇幻。我也好像回到童年时看《神雕侠侣》时的那种热情。

在这追剧的两个月里，看这部剧成为她们快点做完功课的动力。有时有时间时我们会一次看两三集。没有时间时或下一集还没播出时即使那一集结束在故事最高潮，我们也只能看一集。她们也常常在看完一集后，意犹未尽地重复地听着和故事一样热血的片头曲，和主创人们一起高歌。有时候晚上，我会读我在读小说中，电视剧没有拍到的一些后面章节的故事。虽然有些词语她们还是听不懂，她们也常常幻想着那些新奇的魂兽如大战海魂兽啊，和后面唐三挑战海神考验入睡。的有些事，有些道理，有些文化，也只能这样潜移默化地，慢慢无形地从小影响着我们吧？

《斗罗大陆》影视版第一季就这样结束了。我也读完了《斗罗大陆》的小说。我又如追其他剧后一样，内心好像空了一样。时不时，女儿也会问为什么电视剧没有继续小说后面的故事。但还是要和斗罗世界说再见了。希望还会有更多像这部剧一样精彩的戏在未来播出，也还可以继续和小朋友们一起看又好看又正能量的中文戏。

About being a mum with girls doing competitive sports

Just want to pen down some thoughts about my journey so far, trying my very best to be a mum with kids doing sports competitively.

I went with WL to her bowling competition for the first time last year December to the "23rd Storm U22 International Junior All-stars" in KL.

It was a mind-blowing and life-changing experience for me. We went there with a holiday mood, thinking we could use this as an opportunity to relax and celebrate post-psle. Little did we know the 3-day competition would be so physically and mentally draining. We thought, she only need to play 3 MQs per day, but 1MQ is 3 games, so it's 9 games per day, and this will take the entire day and sometimes we have to skip meal, or just have finger food beside the lane. By the 2nd day, she was already so physically drained, and her hands can't do anything as the thumb and finger tips are covered with painful blisters. Having almost zero knowledge about the sport, we had to search up google and youtube to find ways to help her with her blisters late at night after her games, the most heart-wrenching part is to see her pressed on with her injuries and continue to bowl on the last day. We were both pleasantly surprised that she didn't cry or give up, and even managed to play one of her best results in the last day (given that she's usually such a baby when it comes to pain and difficulties)

This was my first experience to see how it is like to be in competitive sports. And seeing how other parents support their kids, made me realised how ignorant and handicapped I was. As an extreme introvert, I didn't know any other parents whose kids are in bowling, I also didn't made any effort to know the coach well enough to be able to ask for help when we needed. Now I know, parents support group is so important, as most parents are so friendly and helpful to share their experience and knowledge about the sport. Talking to some of the parents made me realise how little I know about the sport, how much we could do to help our kids become better in the sports they like. Knowing the coach personally, and even better know more than one coach in a big event will help so much, when emergency like injury or accident happens. So I secretly made a promise to myself, I would force myself to be out of my comfort circle to know more parents and also build a good relationship with the coaches. 

Just a few days after coming back from the KL bowling event, YL started her competitive swimming class. We signed up without much expectations, we just wanted to start her training to see how far she can go, and how fast she can swim. WL trained for half a year without seeing much results, we assumed training takes time. With my new-gained experience in the bowling competition, I thought I was mentally prepared and was ready to be a supportive mum to YL in her new endeavour. 

Just after her first trial lesson, Coach asked her to sign up for the coming "Swim Series" in Jan and Feb. To prepare for that, he recommended her to train at least 3 times a week. Thinking it'll be a short term arrangement for the event, we agreed. After the first "Swim Series I 2024" in Jan, Coach recommended her to go into their Elite Squad. It all happened so quickly, and honestly till now I still feel overwhelmed. I had to spend hours in front of my computer researching on the different events which will happen across the whole year, the different requirement for each event, and the purpose of the many different equipments that I had never even heard of before. (now my youtube feed includes different videos of "tips of how to swim xx stroke", my newsfeed includes swimming results from US too 😅)

So now, WL trains 3 times a week, 2 times with school, 1 time with her Coach. YL will be training 5 times a wk, 4 times with the elite squad, 1 time with her coach. So much time is put into training, sometimes i will wonder whether it is worth it. The amount of time and money invested in the sports, coach fees, equipment costs, attire cost, registrations for the events so on and so forth... are they really worth it? 

In this fast paced world, we are so used to expect results for every effort we put in. I realised, this is not possible in the competitive sports world. 

We were encouraged by WL's coach, that they see potential in WL for her bowling. After half a year of training, and getting all the equipments, she still has no results to show. She wasn't in school team, she didn't get an extra-ordinary results in the Dec competition, didn't managed to qualify for all-star, only gotten the experience of her first competition, and blisters which took weeks to recover. 

We were encouraged by Yl's coach recommendation to be in the team's elite squad, despite her lack of experience and skills for most strokes. During the swim series events, her results are almost at the bottom of her age-group, she didn't swim her personal best like others in the squad. After the two swim series event, she gained experience how to minimise the chance of her goggles dropping upon dive, she learnt how to do warm up before her event, and I learnt how to take video and record her swim. I have also learnt to "digest" my own disappointment, pick myself up to give them the encouragements they need, and the acknowledgement they deserve. All these couldn't be justified with any tangible results in numbers.

For one of the most participated event in the Swim Series, "Girls aged 8-12 100m Freestyle", there were 21 Heats, each heats there were 10 swimmers, which means there's at least 200 over under-12 girls swimming competitively in whole of Singapore. But in each race, there could be only 3 standing on the podium. It is a cruel reality. So many girls and boys swim almost everyday to train for a 1-2 min event, and only maybe 1% would be able to get an award. It is similar in bowling, even though it seems like a less common sports. Many of the bowlers who gets better results, bowl everyday too. It is also a reality that for most of them, their parents have to invest time and money to give the child support, emotionally, mentally and physically (in terms of transport and equipments). Most parents and children, have to go through years of training and money thrown into multiple competition every year, without going up to any podium. 

During one of the swim events, i was nagged by another parent if I had gotten a new goggles for Yl. Her current goggles, her only one suitable for competition, was gifted by her previous coach as an encouragement for her to be able to meet SSPA timings. After 3 months of usage, her goggles are already scratched and always loose,  which affected her performance in her last event. She said to me, "Equipment like goggles and swimsuit, is your responsibility." I have to agree. sighs, I have failed her to not have equipped her with the best. I am learning and trying my best. As my child grow and develop her skills and capabilities in the sport she is in, we will have to get the equipment necessary for her to succeed and that can match with her capabilities. 

"So why are you all doing this, to get DSA ah?" -this is the most common questions I get from friends when i complained about the time and money I have to spend for the two sports girls at home. Most of the time, I couldn't give an answer, because I am not too sure myself and it is really more complicated than a simple one-line answer.

The most important reason would be (I think), they love the sport they do. 

"Trying our best in whatever we do. " That is the only belief that kept me going while I have this constant struggle to justify my "investments" in these sports/ hobby they do. 不留遗憾。

Maybe, they will be one of the many 无名之辈 who will disappear in the arena even before their name can be remembered in this cruel competitive sports world. Maybe, they will hit their personal best in the future, but it is always never the best. It is ok (i tell myself). They will all learn the discipline and mental attitude to be able to succeed in life, and also at the same time equip themselves with a skill and have a story to tell for life.